There are 2,000 people in the room and the people alongside of me are laughing because I am fearless and willing to say or do anything.
Later on they are surprised when I deftly remove myself from being placed in a position where I am the center of attention.
“Why would you do that? You are comfortable doing and saying anything. We have seen it. You can’t fool us.”
“Sometimes I am a shy man and don’t want or need the attention.”
They shake their head and ask questions trying to figure out the how and why but I refuse to share more than a couple of words.
I am in a different place of quiet, one that my son says can be unsettling because when I am hear I can sit in silence for extended periods of time.
Don’t know exactly how or when it started, maybe I have been like this for years or maybe it is because of the years of eating every meal alone.
I am comfortable with my own thought and counsel.
Sort Of Nervous
I am sort of nervous about a big meeting that is coming up. Sort of concerned about how it will go and simultaneously ambivalent because if I am on my game it will be handled.
Hell, if I am at 64.98% it will be good and even if I am at 27.76% it will be ok.
But there is a voice inside my head that whispers about reason to be concerned.
That devil remembers every mistake and misstep and he suggests that I might be overconfident because it is new and I don’t know as much as I could.
He says there are reasons that suggest it will flop and things will go south.
I am not ignoring him or trying to use bravado about being the baddest motherfucker in the Valley because I don’t need it nor have it in me.
Kobe’s death is still rattling around inside my head.
He got on a helicopter he had been on a million times never expecting that he, his daughter or any of the other passengers were on a one way trip.
I find myself wondering if he had time to recognize how dire the situation was and what impact that had as a father because there is no deeper hell than feeling like you can’t help your child.
Tomorrow I’ll get up and do my best to manage all that comes my way and if the sun shines upon face and bathes my countenance in its glory I’ll have one more victory to count and more confidence for what comes next.
And if it doesn’t, well I’ll remind myself I didn’t take a one way trip and be grateful for second and third chances.One Step Beyond
“Cleveland, it is always Cleveland.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Is it a good story?”
The man looks at me and asks if I have ever been and I say no.
“Now you have got me really confused.”
“I am good at that. I seem to have a lot of customers and contacts in the area.”
He nods his head and we dive into shop talk, shake hands and then I walk away not hearing a different man call my name.
“Did you really have to make me run to catch up with you?”
“She threw down the gauntlet and now I am going to answer.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Sorry, someone said we have nothing to offer and harangued for saying there might be something they weren’t aware of.
I just figured out what my response is going to be.”
He looks at me and asks if this is tied into the conversation from a few weeks ago.
“Yep, I needed a little time to figure out how the pieces fit together and now I have it.”
“I don’t know whether to call that obsessive or something else.”
“Not obsessive, it is work. I get paid for solutions. Sometimes you have to stick with the problems a little longer.”
A couple of people on Facebook question why I engage in conversations about why Bernie Sander is a bad candidate and then suddenly walk away.
“I am a shy man.”
“No, you aren’t.”
“Maybe not, but I am no longer the guy who always has to have the last word either. Doesn’t matter what I say to some of these people. They will never agree and a few get irate when I say he is the Trump of the left.
I don’t care if they agree or like it and I get bored with their inability to use fact, logic or reason so I walk away.
Or maybe it is me who can’t use fact, logic or reason. Doesn’t really matter, I am a shy man.”