The rhythm of the throwing combinations at the heavy bag slowly starts to help take the edge off and I let the sweet science sing its gentle lullaby knowing it won’t change anything.
Won’t turn back the clock or unmake what has been made, but I can live with that because there are no other options.
It might not transport my body to where the stars fall at night but it can take my mind there and maybe on a different day my body can follow.
Maybe on a different day I can give a tour of that place and perhaps another of the Los Angeles I know.
Mom and my middle sister call at different times to pick my brain about what I remember about different family events and moments.
Some are easy to answer and I pull the mental files with little effort and some require poking and prodding to see if I can pull them from the dark spaces of the mental garage.
Been digging around in those darker corners to try and come up with answers to questions a relative from my dad’s side and I have taken on.
We share a grandfather, his great and my great-great in common or in other terms his mother and my great grandfather were half siblings.
Neither of us know the name of my great-great grandmother and we assume grandpa got remarried because my grandmother, his first wife died.
I don’t care about the half, because as far as I am concerned we share DNA and are family. I am confident dad and grandpa would have felt the same.
Grandpa would have absolutely been able to shed more light on grandma’s name and what happened and I suspect dad would have too, but neither are here.
Somewhere in the past we lost touch with my cousins and if it wasn’t for Facebook we might not have reconnected.
And maybe I never would have learned about all of the other kids my great-great grandfather had, or maybe I would have.
Doesn’t matter because I did and I have and now I know more about who the Nazi’s murdered on a more personal level.
The answers to some of the questions I have are accessible and it is just a matter of reaching out to more relatives and figuring out where to look.
It reminds me of a conversation from not long ago when someone told me I acted too much like a lone wolf and I said I knew when to join the pack and when to run on my own.
They weren’t wrong when they said I sometimes act like a lone wolf because at times I do and in many ways I am.
When you have spent as much time alone as I have it begins to seep into all aspects of your life but that is not the only reason or why.
Some of it comes from a willingness to test limits and do the proverbial coloring outside of the lines because it feels normal.
And because I am not good at being a sheeple. I can’t always do what others do just because it is how things have always gone.
I have tried to teach the kids to be confident in doing that as well but to understand there is often no reason to reinvent the wheel.
Work smarter, not harder.
That means sometimes you might as well do what others do because it is efficient and there is no reason to stand out, unless you really want attention.
I usually don’t and they really don’t.
Sprouts gave me a coffee drink they said is the equivalent of three espressos.
Since it didn’t have a ton of sugar and I was feeling saucy I sucked that puppy down and walked next door to work out.
Forty-five minutes into my lifting I didn’t feel anything different and shrugged my shoulders thinking the $1.83 I spent could have gone towards a lottery ticket and a pack of gum.
Assuming I chose to use it that way and given that I don’t play the lottery and rarely chew gum it probably wouldn’t have been spent that way.
Some four hours later the caffeine decided it was time to kick in and I have used its influence to add to my step count and to shed a few pounds.
It is not a doctor approved method of weight loss and certainly not useful for writing as the multiple interruptions have derailed my train of thought more than once.
But if you want to be a one man band with your own horn section there are benefits, too bad my family doesn’t appreciate them.
Anyhoo, if you aren’t into being a one man band you can also lay claim to training to become a living biological weapon.
Again, I find my family less than appreciative of my efforts, but true genius is rarely appreciated.
Turn on the music, close my eyes and think about the stars falling at night and the magic that always waits to be turned loose.
Go deep and then deeper still within the dark searching and seeking for the key that unlocks the door.
Going to require more time and the strength to withstand what lies ahead which is why the magic is needed more than ever.
What will come can be handled without but if there is a way to work smarter and not harder it is worth the effort.
So perhaps I’ll imitate Aragorn and walk the halls of the dead or perhaps wander through hell again while covered in gasoline.
Both options are in play so I’ll do my best to mark the position of my north star in the sky and follow the echo into the future.
Whatever way it plays, it is going to be something.