Sometimes I go back to this trailer because it marks several important points in time for me.
It is where I started to recognize that some things had changed in significant life changing ways and where something woke inside me.
Four years later I have stormed the gates of hell not because I wanted or needed to but because I had to and I still don’t know if I have really come out the other side yet.
I intentionally don’t speak about it often but it crosses my mind more than I might like but I have gotten quite good at putting one foot in front of the other.
Four years later some of the changes I envisioned then have come to be and others have yet to be but not for lack of effort.
Three hours earlier I put time in on the treadmill and watched the final assault on the Death Star one more time.
And as Obi-Wan told Luke to trust his feelings a bell went off inside my head and I recognized it, remembered being an eight year-old sitting in the back seat of a station wagon watching the movie for the first time.
My kids don’t know Drive-ins, but I remember them well.
It takes some effort to remember that trusting feelings doesn’t mean there are no mistakes made and that what I started to see happen four years ago couldn’t be foretold.
Effort to be kind to myself and not stick my hands in fire as punishment for things I couldn’t have prevented because the genesis of such began earlier in time.
The world I grew up in isn’t the one my children are growing up in so solutions that I tried to use weren’t going to work but I couldn’t have known that and I doubt others could.
Blame my waking up to this particular nugget to the joy of hindsight and to the gaslighting of bad leader and his cult.
It has forced me to take a very hard look not just at the grifter but his supporters and enablers.
It has also made me look at the world in general and wonder if the sickness comes every several generations because we are not the only country to face it.
Some talk about leaving and sometimes I think about it and wonder if it is the best way to secure a safer future or if this is a case of running 10,000 miles while still staying where you are.
Some resources are more easily found here than elsewhere because of people and familiarity with how things work.
Resources…I talk about it often in professional settings.
The context is generally set as finding the people who can make critical things happen.
It is a group of not just those who understand how the to use the processes to make things happen but those who have the juice to grease the levers so things run smoothly.
In this context greasing the levers isn’t supposed to mean a bribe but it can refer to multiple levels of management and those who can reset priorities so that action items are not left timelines based on the whims of those whose priorities might not sync.
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Trust your feelings is what I whisper as I type out new blog posts and I respond to people on Facebook.
Some say I ought to stop disagreeing and fighting because no one will change their mind and they have a point worth considering.
But they forget Elie Wiesel’s wisdom the silence benefits the oppressors and that some remain quiet because they are afraid to stand on their own or unaware of the consequences of silence.
And the words remind me of who we are, what we are about and what we lose if we do nothing.
It is easy to be exhausted by those with the bigger microphone and the claim to be the sole source of knowledge.
But speaking out provides comfort and community and it helps to draw lines in the sand that hopefully can be held.
In a time in which many repeat talking points without verifying their truth and validity it is critical to ask for it.
One of my dad’s first cousins died yesterday and with her went the opportunity to ask questions I would have asked dad.
Questions I suspect he would have answered by saying we need to speak with his older cousins.
I didn’t understand when I was younger that my dad and uncle were among the babies of the cousins on both sides, not always the youngest but close enough.
In some cases so much younger than older cousins they had few memories of generations long gone.
The genealogy kick I have been on has had me thinking about many things and that is probably why some of the questions I would ask dad are on my mind.
Probably wouldn’t find anything earth shattering, but there are are holes in the tapestry of my life that I wouldn’t mind filling.
Stories I first heard forty some years ago, some repeated since and others not.
Again, probably nothing too exciting but excitement and interest lie in the eyes and ears of the beholder/listener.
Trust your feelings and look for those who accept your flaws and your darkness as well as your light.
