“Should you worry about Wolfie?”
“Not me, I am asking if you have considered all aspects of your particular situation which of course involves Wolfie?
I used to be concerned about that character but now I spend less and less time doing so, still an irritant but of a different sort.
“Can’t let myself get caught up there, what is for you won’t go past you and what does is their loss.”
I catch the head nod and walk away lost in other thoughts, trying to figure out if the frustration I feel is warranted
This is what happens when you don’t bounce things off of another and what happens when you don’t feel like the opportunity exists.
Your perspective becomes skewed and you have to work twice as hard to figure out if what irks you has merit.
Doc says my eyes are so dry the Sahara might be jealous and reviews my routine.
“Mr. Wilner, the good news is your pressure is good, no sign of Glaucoma. But your prescription might not be appropriate any more.”
“Great doc, it is only money. I am not a kid anymore, they aren’t supposed to change like this. It is part of why I had Lasik done, so I wouldn’t be the guy in glasses anymore.”
He shrugs his shoulders, tries to sidestep my having gotten a prescription in June and says it might be the dryness or perhaps the cataract.
“It is probably not that, it is not at the point where we need to be concerned yet, but we’ll pay attention.”
He tells me if the new routine doesn’t improve things we’ll talk about drugs and I silently think about asking if he has some Heroin or Oxy I can borrow.
It is a peculiar feeling, a mix of rabid optimism and a question of whether I ought to wander out past the waves and keep swimming.
Used to do about 7k yards a day when we were training for league and city championships, not that it matters that I haven’t swam like that in more than 30 years.
There is too much internal talk about what used to happen and what should have happened mixed in with conversations about what could happen.
“One kiss could change the whole damn world right, wake up sleeping beauty and gain the throne or something like that.”
The idea of a throne is nice in the respect that it sounds like much of the daily concerns would go away but the reality is probably far different.
There is a kingdom that might be fun to rule but it is not the sort that my royalty comment from before addresses.
****
Pushed hard at the gym yesterday and now way too much of me hurts but it is not the familiar pain of workouts past.
Irks me because I have begun shifting to try a different path and it is not supposed to hurt me. It is supposed to prevent this sort of funny feeling.
We’ll give it a day or two to see how it goes and then we’ll make a decision.
Sometimes I know exactly how I got here and sometimes I wonder.
There are moments where I drive through town and realize how familiar it has all become and moments where I feel like an outsider.
What kind of life am I leading? Whose life is this anyway?
No one answers and I think about how California is where I think of as home but it doesn’t really feel like home any more.
The house I owned is long gone and the house I grew up in is gone too.
So much of what makes me think fondly of it is tied to memories of people who don’t live there anymore either or who do but have moved to other parts of the state.
Sometimes the kids ask if I think we’ll ever move back and I shrug my shoulders. I won’t say never because life has taught me not to say that about many things.
But I am not sure if it is likely without a tectonic shift and I suspect we’ll never live there as a family again.
If the day comes again in which I call it home I don’t expect to have kids living with me any longer but I can’t think about that.
Can’t get caught up in where I may or may not live, have to focus on the present and keep an eye on how to retire.
That’s part of why I think California is unlikely, it has gotten too expensive, but again, if I won the lottery or inherited a very significant chunk of change a beach could be in my future.
Not Old, Not Young
The clip above is one of my favorites.
I watch it now and it feels different than it did when I first saw the movie in the theater 27 years ago.
Sometimes I wonder if one day that will be me fishing alone or if I’ll be surprised and make my own walk through the cornfields long before I expect.
Perhaps Cirdan will invite me to take a ship across the sea and I’ll take him up on it because I never stop hearing the call.
And sometimes when I think about it I remember those final days at the hospice and how dad fooled the docs and nurses.
Think about the male nurse who told me how strong willed he must be and nodded my head because I knew.
Knew that he couldn’t help but try to fight some more because even with the drugs taking the edge off of his physical pain there was that push to stick around and keep an eye on us.
I know many things and suspect many other things but how it is all going to play out, well I am waiting and watching because that has yet to be determined.
