Didn’t plan on writing tonight and figured I would take the time to read or do something else but my plans are often adjusted.
Most often they are the small ones but some of the bigger ones have been changed too.
Had a conversation about how teenagers don’t like to hug their parents and almost said I could use a hug but didn’t want to be that honest in a honest dishonesty.
Got to see the eye doc tomorrow to find out if the cataracts have progressed to the point that they need to poke a straw into my eye to suck them out.
Been told more than once lately that I can’t see what is obvious, most of time in political context but maybe there is a social component too.
Maybe I am blind.
Or maybe I see things others don’t. Maybe I see possibility and opportunity because it is how my professional and personal lives operate.
Don’t know, what I am certain of is every time I drive by certain restaurants I smile because of good memories of experiences there.
And I know the changes that are happening now will impact my future in profound ways cuz I know and see things even if I am blind.
The People We Miss
Wrote a post a while back about the people we miss that still gets quite a bit of traffic. Wrote it about people who are truly gone and those who are around but somehow not part of our lives.
Closed my eyes to feel The Force flowing through me and saw the Falcon flying and remembered what I have never forgotten because the music always brings it front and center.
Thought about very personal things not to be shared here, if anywhere and remembered others, like the little boy who used to love this.
Sometimes you can look at things from the past and see the possibilities of them in the present as well as that which cannot be.
Notes that say you have my heart but ask for which I cannot give and others that say I have changed my mind can occupy the chambers of your mind as you review, muse and consider.
I hear my own father’s voice and turn inwards to respond.
It is a strange feeling, standing on the 10th floor, looking at the balcony and wondering if I run at full speed can I make the jump from the rail to a fire escape on another building.
Dad is shaking his head at me and that is pushing me to prove him wrong. I took off in a dead sprint not long ago and confirmed I can still move, maybe not like I once did but fast enough to surprise people.
The question inside my head is will my legs provide enough lift because falling ten stories will hurt. I move to a new position so there is a straight line between me and the balcony and begin measuring it inside my mind.
I can hear a clock and I remember what it was like to prepare for a race. I beat people off of the blocks and I think I still can.
Dad is still shaking his head and I tilt mine to let him know I am conceding, but only because I am wearing a pair of Eccos, known for comfort and not running.
The floor is kind of slick, if I am going to see if I can still fly might as well not handicap my effort.
The workout at the gym is different, time on the treadmill and lighter weights followed by a mile walk outside.
Have to retrain my ego to not focus on how heavy I can but to pay attention lots of reps with lighter weight.
Have to remind myself it is not accepting that I can’t do as I once did or wish to but that I have to pick my moments because there are too many miles on this body and too much of it.
Maybe I can change that but I can’t bull my way through it the way I once did or want to.
It is a bittersweet moment acknowledging the need to do it differently.
My heart hurts a little bit but if this works my body will hurt less and that will be good for the future. So maybe it is time to cut out the heart and focus solely on the head.
Or maybe not.
Maybe I am blind.