Ringo says It Don’t Come Easy and I nod my head because I agree.
Woke up for the first time in a long while and discovered the finger I dislocated when I slipped on the staircase didn’t feel quite right.
Almost four years since that unfortunate moment, I can still hear dad asking if I drove myself again.
“Yeah, tried to fix it myself but it was a problem and I said fuck it, drove to a Care Now.”
“Do you know anyone who could have helped out?”
“Yeah, you know I do and you know I refused to call. Wasn’t like it was a terminal illness or the bone was sticking out.”
“Try not to hurt yourself any more and if you do, don’t be too proud to ask for help.”
“Abba, you know the next time I throw myself down the stairs I’ll make a note to let you know I am driving myself.”
“Ok tough guy.”
“I learned from the best.”
Been updating in multiple places, trying to find the flow of words that free my mind of the cage it has been trapped in.
Debating and deciding what to say and how to say it knowing I won’t ever be satisfied while wondering if any of it really matters.
Hit the Battle Ropes for the second time today and confirmed that I need to keep practicing because I suck at them.
Daughter laughed while watching me move people out of my way to get to them.
“Dad, you live in your own world sometimes don’t you.”
“All the time and I said excuse me. I was polite and firm.”
She watched for a few and then took off to start her workout.
Later on we would have a conversation about high school parties and things that go on at them.
“I don’t want you to be afraid of boys but I don’t want you to be naive either. Do you know about Roofies and things like that?”
She tells me she doesn’t drink or do drugs but her answer makes it clear I am not the first to talk to her.
“I know a few stories about things that happened to friends of mine. Your aunt and mom know many more than I do. Men don’t always hear about these things.
Take it seriously. Be safe and know you can always talk to me.”
She nods her head and I make a note to hit the Battle Ropes again. I can’t and won’t always be there but I’ll feel better if I come closer to turning myself into a monster again that boys are wary of.
****
Sometimes the moms and dads of boys get irritated about that kind of thing. They don’t want their boys to be viewed as monsters.
I always tell them I don’t want them to be either and that I have a son who I will fight for too.
My kids have my eternal protection but there are limits to my abilities and most of what I can do is try to educate my kids.
Try to help them be people of good character, who do the right things and don’t put themselves in bad positions.
But I am not a fool either because I have lived and I have made my share of mistakes. Been in cars I shouldn’t have been and probably got behind the wheel in college when I shouldn’t have.
I don’t waste energy trying to figure out if I was just lucky nothing bad happened. Instead I focus on trying to help them avoid being as dumb as I was.
Sitting on a flight from LA To Texas a seatmate engages me in the kind of conversation you have with people you never expect to see again.
We talk about our lives and she says she has never met a man who talks like I do and I laugh.
“What is funny?”
“I have been accused of being a motor mouth and at the same time been told I don’t say anything.”
“Is it intentional?”
“Yes. I am unfiltered, but the keys to the kingdom aren’t just offered.”
“Has anyone gotten them?”
“Did you get a set to their kingdom too?”
“I believe so.”
“Do you and they still have them?”
“Perhaps, assuming the locks haven’t been changed.”
“Those locks don’t get changed. We just don’t let people get through the castle door to get to them.”
“Maybe. You can try and walk the line and determine such things I suppose.”
“Try lowering the drawbridge and maybe you’ll find the other lowered for you too.”
****
Popped two more Ibuprofen and got irritated that dad isn’t here because I have questions only he could answer with the kind of detail I want.
They aren’t things I can’t figure out on my own but when you don’t have to reinvent the wheel there is no need to waste time doing so.
Except he isn’t here and neither are my uncle or paternal grandfather so I can’t ask them for answers.
Hell, can’t even ask my maternal grandfather or great-grandfather any of these questions either.
You can classify it as man stuff and yeah, I can ask questions of the guys but sometimes you want to ask those who share DNA with you because you think the answers will be more specific to you.
Instead I feel like Luke standing on Tattooine staring off into space wondering what lies beyond.
Cue the Force suite and hand me my light saber.
I am very curious to see what this week brings and if it will assist in giving me any insight into what the next couple of years might look like.
Bring on the Battle Ropes, I may suck at them today but there is always tomorrow, the next day and the next week to practice with them.
Sooner or later that battle will be a little bit easier and maybe by then I’ll know.
