The Fab Four is singing one of my favorites while I drink Macallan 12 and wonder what I accomplished during my forties because there are moments where it feels like 10 lost years.
Floating around Facebook I see Facebook greetings where people seem to have lost the e that should go between c and the y.
John says you have to hide your love away and I wonder why some things jump out at me as if sirens are attached while others go by me without notice or recognition.
What the hell do I know anyway, it is getting too dark to see.
Been trying to fight a beast called depression and its pal anxiety but am not sure how successful I have been because it isn’t my fight.
But I take it personally just as I took Dad’s cancer and issued a challenge to take them both on in single combat.
None of the three will face me alone or together, though I wouldn’t hesitate to have taken them on in any manner they chose.
It reminds me of the quote from the Godfather, when they come for you they will come after those you love.
There is a kid who wants to know if I am going to take my rage to the gym and I shake my head, this rage isn’t the kind of rage you think it is.
Inside I grab the 70 pound curl bar and begin flipping it back and forth.
Three sets of seven reps fly by and I smile at the reflection because I know 90 is within range which means I can push past 100 within a couple of months.
Maybe it is time to shoot for 150 again for no purpose other than to reach back in time and tell who I was that I can be him again but he can never be me.
Not that any of this has real significance to anyone but me. There are no prizes and though I can reach back in time I have to do it differently than before.
If I push forward with the same force as the past I don’t know what sort of response I will get. I don’t know if there will be a mutiny and I don’t want to find out.
That is really where rage comes into play because I can’t force depression, anxiety or cancer to fight me.
I can’t control them in the slightest. All I can do is light a torch and clear space.
But my body, well that I have some influence over and it doesn’t want to behave as it should.
There are rumors that the Tom Brady system can help and that it is approach will provide benefits not seen in the past.
Benefits that come from exercise and diet and not through drugs so there is interest because there is about bad side effects that come from drugs.
Questions and comments fly at me and again the one about whether I blew most of my forties rises.
How do you measure and define such things?
If the answer is yes what happens?
If the answer is no, what happens?
****
Elton is singing Your Song and a set of memories are juxtaposed over each other.
In one I am a kid at a fraternity party and in another I am years past in an apartment in Fort Worth thinking about one potential future versus another.
Could be at The Keg, the Thirsty Lion or sitting on a couch listening to music while reading a book while thinking about writing.
Maybe it is one thing or maybe it is another the flow of time is split into multiple streams from the present into the future and I can’t sail down all of them.
I can only guide it past the rocks and or figure out what to do when lightning shears the main mast in two and Moby Dick crashes across the bow.
The same thoughts and ideas fly by and I ask myself if it is because I have fallen into a trap or if it makes sense.
The answer is it makes sense during senseless times.
It Will All Work Out
Got more than a few people telling me not to worry because life always works out as it is meant to.
I give them some credence but not a ton because I still have to take the tiller and do my best to avoid the rocks and reefs.
Can’t do nothing and expect everything to work because some work is required. I am not afraid of it, but I am frustrated I can’t control more.
Got all sorts of thoughts and ideas, dreams and hopes but no guarantees.
Guess the only way to figure out if they worked out is to live. Got to walk the path and see what happens.
I tell the kids this all the time.
Some will take your hand and some will let go.
Don’t worry about who does or doesn’t. Just go forward.
If they are smart they’ll hold on or come looking for you later. Can’t put life on hold, got to live now because you don’t know when your choice of time and direction is no longer yours.
Go forth.
