I put the finishing touches on a piece called Just Another Story About Two Souls and felt a rumbling in my gut that couldn’t be denied.
Clicked save, got up and moved with purpose to the closest water closet and told Mother Nature to stop screwing with me.
She responded as some other women I know have and turned the lights out in the bathroom but she made a point to wait until I wasn’t in a position to just walk away.
I didn’t curse or scream. I pulled out my smart phone and texted Mr. Wilner the younger and inquired if there was a power outage.
He said no and I told Mother Nature not to screw with me because I already have enough on my plate and don’t need any more reasons to consider misogyny.
The lights didn’t turn back on and I nodded my head, “Ok woman, I’ll take your silence as my answer. It is another no. Gotten more of those than I can count and I am not thrown by it. This is practice for the island I am moving to.”
Been talking with someone who is carrying the weight of the world upon their shoulders and trying to help them recognize we don’t always have to do it by ourselves.
Told them that sometimes we misinterpret and misunderstand that which comes via text and not in person.
Said that it is important to hear from people and not live solely in an online world.
They asked me how I could say that when I have spent so much time living in my own fantasy land.
“What you think you know about me and everyone else may not be accurate or truthful. We all wear a mask of one sort or another. Even the people I consider to be the closest don’t hear it all or if they get anything close it doesn’t happen by text.
I need to see faces and know I am being heard to go to that place.”
Can’t say if they heard or believed me. Can’t say because for the moment they are carrying the weight of the world and having done that more than once I know how it impacts perspective.
“I have made some enormous changes. I have taken some huge chances and sometimes I have failed. You don’t know about all of the heartbreak and heartache. You don’t know about how I would turn back the clock on a couple of big things that haunt me still.
But I can’t and even if you can’t see it, I am moving forward. Taking a big shot at something now that might pay huge dividends. Won’t know, can’t know for a while what the outcome is.
Can’t control life, can only manage it. Take a chance. Take a chance I am not an idiot and maybe I know something.”
They looked at me and nodded. I didn’t say anything more. Didn’t add the “don’t bullshit me or yourself” line that I wanted to.
I just walked away and reminded myself sometimes the best you can do is set up a torch lit path or lighthouse and let people come or not come.
But it is not easy.
Got news a couple of days ago that I might have made a very big mistake. Got news that I might have made something huge happen too.
I am pretty certain the big mistake isn’t going to turn about to be a “might have” so I took steps to try and get ahead of it.
Promised I would get it fixed because I can do that, but it is going to be a bear of a challenge.
Hopefully my habit of documenting will make some of this easier, but I don’t know because the emails and phone calls have gone unanswered.
I expect that I’ll know more by Tuesday but I don’t like not knowing. That is why I told the other part that I think I caused part of this.
Certainly didn’t create all of this, but that didn’t make me feel better because I needed this like a hole in the head.
It potentially creates a significant amount of work for me, but as mentioned the documentation I do as rote practice might cut this in half or by two thirds…maybe.
****
The ultimate goal here to build the damn castle where I will be lord of the manor and maybe the very lucky will be lady.
Of course if it turns out to be a castle made of sand or cloud it might turn out that I am Lord of the Fish Taco shack but that might not be so bad either.
Just remember there will be no shrimp in my fish tacos..feh.
