Spent ample time arguing with the Fran Dreschers and Bernie Sanders of Facebook and those who are clearly not members of the tribe about recent events.
Disagreed with some I know biblically and some I know digitally about what could have or should have happened.
In a few cases I made a case to prove I still own the title of uncivilized barbarian and waded into the fray with reckless abandon swinging fists, broadswords and doing whatever else was required to make others submit.
Use diplomacy and pointed out the failed and flawed logic and then I just walked away because I was and I am done in some areas.
Been sucked dry of all resources and desire and recognized I could put down the phone or computer and not pick it back up.
The only reason I am here now is I made some promises under the moon and am determining in some cases the answer to the question of does always mean forever.
Skipped a meeting today with a variety of interesting people and the president of the Earl Warren Fan Club cause I gave all I had in other areas and had to rest for a few.
Took my lazy butt to the gym and put in a solid workout and wondered if I really am seeing less of me. Feels like it, looks a bit like it, at least to me and that is the most important part.
Some of the physical changes that come with almost middle age are a grind but that elliptical I like to use shows I am getting faster.
Positive reinforcement is always a good thing, but right now it is of particular import.
Primarily because this is one of those moments where everything seems to be twice as hard as it normally would be.
For example when the teenage boy who calls me dad had a disagreement with me I asked him point blank to tell me who I can turn to.
“Who can I depend on? Who can I turn to when it feels like the world is falling apart and I am dodging comets, meteors and asteroids. Who protects me from the hordes at the gate?”
He paused and said he didn’t know and I answered.
“Me. I look out for all of you and then I look up and see if I can step out of the line of fire too. And when the hordes come I put you all behind the gate and I fight them off.
And when you are in my position you can come back and tell me I engaged in hyperbole, shared reality or if I didn’t tell you quite how crazy it really can be.”
I smiled at him and walked away.
****
Some of the guys who recently lost fathers have reached out and asked questions about how it feels.
Been interesting to see how different and how similar it is for us.
These conversations make it clear how we have been socialized to look at dads in particular roles and I sometimes wonder if our children see us in the same ways.
Sometimes I laugh because the conversations with the guys also makes it clear we seem to have a very different view of much of life than the millenial dads we encounter.
It would be cliche to say we look at them and shake our heads, but it is true in many because we do.
Be a man– there is a whole discussion there but I’ll set it aside for now.
I stood under the moon with my arms outstretched thinking for a moment about how the warm, moist air almost reminded me of going to the bath house to shvitz with dad and grandpa.
Post workout I was already hot and the temperature outside wasn’t going to do much to help me cool down so I walked slowly to my car where I could sit and enjoy some AC with quiet music.
Felt a familiar buzz, looked at the phone and sent off a few responses.
Thought about the current time and wondered whether the chaos and unrest of the present will lead to a place I want to be.
There are moments where I am certain I know things and that I hear the echoes of the future and moments where I am certain only a fool would say such things.
What I know with certainty is I am not a fan of much that is going on now and would gladly give up the chaos for boring certainty.
Can’t know where it all leads without playing the hand so I guess I will keep walking forward and see what I discover along the road.
