Got a stack of papers to my right and a different pile on the left so that I don’t have to think about what I have handled and what I haven’t touched yet.
The paper to my right is an EOB with a list of what the docs put in for services rendered and what the insurance company paid.
There is a legend listing the answers to the abbreviations and for a moment I swear it says YLC and I laugh because that would mean something to a few people.
I take a moment to look to the right to watch the invisible carousel ponies rise and fall as they go along their eternal circle never advancing their position but rising up and down.
That sounds familiar to me, the up and down without being able to advance except I am waiting for the moment at which I rip my pole from that which connects it and do my own thing.
A few people ask if I am serious or if it is just bravado and I shake my head because asking the question means you haven’t been paying attention.
I sail a ship with a portable anchor. It is not permanently moored to anyone or anything and though I am sometimes slow to cut ropes it is not something I won’t or haven’t done.
My son and I have been talking on and off about what it was like to see dad after his last surgery.
When he says the memories bother him I nod my head and tell him I hated the experience. I had never seen my father in so much pain and was horrified that amputation didn’t work.
But I could justify it because my dad was cognizant, informed and aware of the risk and potential rewards.
He made the decision to roll the dice and he got snake eyes.
I don’t like it but had he not agreed to that particular course of action the lack of activity would have led to the same conclusion, not much further down the road,.
“I can’t tell you how to make this right in your head. I know what works for me and I know that given time these memories will fade again. They are looming large because of the date and where you are.”
He says thank you and goodbye because he is off to dinner by the beach while I sit in 90 degree weather thinking about circumstances
****
A thousand years ago when life was easier and the weight of responsibility was considerably less I sat up at night with a girl and talked about everything including the answer to the question/comment about despair.
I thought I knew all of my personal answers and what was required but experience proved it wasn’t entirely true.
It is not hard to look back and recognize how little I knew about some things and how I should have made different choices.
Some of the guys have told me they can’t imagine making big changes because they are locked into the lives they have chosen but I can’t accept that for me.
Maybe it is because I have had so many changes forced upon me.
Maybe it is because of the immense irritation that came with people choosing to impact my future without my influence or maybe it is because I am not prepared to lie down and die.
Maybe both are true.
What I am certain of is I refuse to not try to improve circumstances and situations just because they may be hard.
Could die tomorrow or could die 50 years from now.
I choose to split the difference and approach life as if I have a minimum of 25 more years. That is a long time to go.
Why wouldn’t I look into improving things. Why wouldn’t I try to be who I am.
Might work or it might fail but you miss every shot you don’t take.
