It is the qualm before the storm, as we are hair away from my father’s unveiling and about two weeks from the one year anniversary of his death.
Can’t remember if my son or daughter asked me what I thought it would be like but I know I told them I don’t know.
That is a strange experience for me because I am steady and consistent in how I react and respond to most things.
It would be false to say I always know what I will think and feel about everything but I have been around long enough, done enough and seen enough to be confident in how I will respond.
But this is different.
This is my father and I won’t know for certain until I am in it. Won’t know if it is the same sort of sadness I have become familiar with or if the stone and setting will elevate or deflate.
So I am trying to not anticipate and just roll with it, but this is hard.
There are things I consider an uncertain certainty and others that lay at the bottom of an ocean floor. You can’t raise this Titanic.
Confessions Of The Soul
There is way too much going on and no matter how I pull on the reins I can’t get the horses to stop moving.
A couple of times I have slowed their gallop to a canter but it never lasts as long as I would like or need.
I am not strong enough to do it all on my own but too stubborn not to try.
Sometimes I have held out a hand waiting for it to be taken thinking it would happen because they would read my mind and naturally want to help but it never works that way.
A less optimistic fellow would assume they understood and intentionally ignored it but I come back to different reasons and seasons for it to play out as it has thus far.
There was a time when I would have looked at such assumptions and guesses as the realm of denizens of lollipop land but that guy doesn’t live inside me right now.
Life gets busy and people get stuck inside their worlds and they forget to look outside of their windows.
That has happened to me more than once and it probably will again.
It is part of why I write so often and in multiple places. It helps keep me sane and it reminds me about how much bigger the world is than I sometimes think of it being.
The other day a familiar scent caught my attention and I wondered the poker face I had been maintaining was punctured.
The idea made me laugh a little bit because I have been told recently that I have a terrible poker face and that I am inscrutable.
I don’t know how to respond to either because I think some of us have very deep connections that make it easy to see inside and through others and that others simply don’t.
There are obviously those who occupy the spaces in between the “know” and “clueless” as well too.
But the reality is no matter how deep a connection and how well we think we know others there are moments where our interpretation of their actions is off.
It is part of what makes life interesting.
Been going through one of those Jacob wrestling the angel moments and have been wondering if maybe the smarter thing to do is let go.
I have a grip that makes gorillas high five me in appreciation and I have used it successfully in a variety of situations and circumstances but I am wondering if maybe now is the time to let go and see if I fall or fly.
Maybe holding on so damn tightly is the problem and that is the thing that is keeping me from getting to that next place.
Been told several times that I am carrying some heavy energy around with me and haven’t ever ignored it.
I am intense. It is part of who I am and if people don’t like it or can’t deal with it that is not my problem.
Figured I’d give myself until after the unveiling to see what happens as I suspect it will feel like a bit of a relief and my mood will lighten a little.
Won’t know until we get there, I can wait a little bit longer.
I think. 😉
