Father’s Day started with a thunderstorm that woke me two hours after I had gone to sleep and kept me awake for another four before I was able to turn off my mind and get a little more shut eye.
Several thunderclaps made the windows rattle and the doors shake with so much force I climbed out of bed to peer through the window and confirm the the bolts hadn’t struck anything nearby.
A few hours later the day was interrupted by news of the tragic death of a 12 year-old boy and I said a silent prayer for the parents whose lives had been turned upside down and reminded myself that sometimes this is a scary fucking world.
Drank my coffee, wandered about the house and thought about how hard I have been working to make certain things happen.
Thought about how I can’t remember the last time I went on a real vacation and how it sometimes feels like every time I get close to getting all I asked for it gets snatched away.
Except it is not entirely true, it all hasn’t gotten snatched away but some it of has gotten pushed back and or postponed.
I Am Lost
I stumbled onto the cover above because I somehow came across an Avengers video that used this.
Thought about a girl who told me she doesn’t like action movies and wondered if maybe these movies might change her mind because she would appreciate the drama and relationships.
She might say no, but I am certain about this because sometimes you can see things that will move others.
If nothing else I like the Avengers video because it touches upon my desire to tell a story with layers.
Twenty was hard, but thirty was easy. Forty wasn’t particularly good and forty-five was worse but things improved and I wondered what fifty would be like.
Didn’t have a big party or celebrate with friends, just had time with the family and that wasn’t bad. Hell, it was a lot of fun but it was different than I had expected fifty to be.
But that is because when I was younger I didn’t expect to turn fifty in Texas. I was going to be in LA or Jerusalem living a different life.
I learned a long time ago the truth in the old saying of people plan and G-d laughs. Some of the changes have been outstanding and made for a superior life and some have been…hard.
If you asked me to describe this moment in time I would say I am lost but I wouldn’t say it with a trembling voice.
Shit happens some times and you get caught in the sheets and find it difficult to move.
I know where my head is and I know why I feel lost but I have chosen not to run in any one direction.
I am going to let the current move me the next place and do my best to use the oars to keep from crashing into the rocks.
Sometimes life is far more interesting when you accept you haven’t any real control and you smile while heading straight for the mystery.
I See Through You
Those four words are some of the scariest and most heart warming you can ever hear but only if you believe the speaker.
More than a couple of people have said something similar to me but I generally ignored it because those who said it did things that made it clear they really didn’t get me.
I am sure they thought they did and I’ll give them credit for knowing a bunch of things about what I like and dislike but did they really understand how I think/work?
Nope.
That kind of understanding comes from a rare connection and it is not something that you just create or manufacture.
It just is or it just isn’t.
You could spend 20 years living in the same home and never quite get it.
****
Sometimes I look back at what got in me into blogging and who kept me going and wonder if I ought to go back to spending more time on the foundation work of building a blog.
The keywords in which I try to get Google to rank me higher for Dad Blogger searches so that I can leverage it for monetary and ego purposes.
Sometimes I think that I ought to push hard on that and refocus the content to help solidify and secure the spots and places I used to occupy.
But I can’t figure out if that makes sense because the real goal is to become a better writer and storyteller so the SEO and foundation stuff doesn’t always grab me.
The foundation stuff doesn’t excite me because it doesn’t seem to provide a sustainable way to do what I really want.
Or so that is how it appears to me, but maybe I am missing something.
Maybe I am not looking at the big picture in a way that will result in getting all I asked for. Maybe it is time to look again but from a different angle.
Maybe getting lost in the mystery is how to get all I asked for.
