83,168 Ways To Upgrade Your Life

Telemarketer asks if she can talk to me about how to upgrade my life and I tell her that is fine, but only if I can share a way to upgrade hers first.

“Wow, maybe you should go first.”

“Ok ma’am, if you want to upgrade your life the best thing you could do is marry me.”

She paused and replied with “Wow, just wow. Have you used that line before?”

I told her I might have and she asked if it worked and I said there might be a woman who wishes she had could switch things up.

“Wow, you have to tell her. You have to let her know. We love that kind of stuff. It is so romantic.”

“It is only romantic if you are interested in the guy and if you are not, it is probably considered creepy.”

She laughed and asked how I know so much about women and I told her I don’t know a damn thing.

“Y’all are a giant mystery. Can’t decide if it is cause you are irrational, illogical and crazy or something else.”

That is when she told me she had free advice, “never tell a woman to relax or say she is crazy.”

“Oops, I think I have done both more than once.”

“Mr. Josh, why do I get the feeling you are one of the bad boys who gets away with it.”

“I don’t get away with anything, I pay for it all. There is always a price.”

The Chinese Zodiac

It is my final week of my forties so I am trucking along thinking about life.

Old JW is a Taurus, unless you are referring to the Chinese zodiac in which case I am a Rooster. When I first learned about the Chinese zodiac in elementary school I didn’t like being a rooster.

I wanted to be a monkey or a dragon.

Everyone born in 1968 is a monkey, which makes sense and is funny for reasons I won’t share here.

My daughter is a monkey and my son is a dragon, so I sort of got it…I guess.

I read a couple of pieces online that made me angry…not because of what they said but because they were poorly written pieces that were published in very reputable publications.

Because the byline was attached to someone who makes a living as a writer and I think I am a better writer than they are.

I don’t compare often or talk about that kind of thing because there is no upside to it. Great writing is subjective as is good, bad and awful.

A college professor told me a paper I wrote was so bad he wondered how I gained admission to the school. More than a few people have offered stiff criticism of my writing here and elsewhere.

One said I wrote as if I was the cock of the walk. I wrote him back and said he forgot “biggest.”

He offered to visit me so that he could take care of that and I told him a good mohel had handled it and that I wasn’t interested in his teeth.

Sadly he responded and made it clear I had infuriated him and so I asked him if he wanted one or both of my hands on his head and offered a number of other descriptive and colorful remarks.

Finally he called me a small, sad and angry man.

I corrected him and said the “Biggest sad and angry man.”

I like to think that made him gnash his teeth and stomp his feet.

Maybe that was too much or maybe I should have said he could upgrade his life if he married me. Had it been later I would have said he ought to check out the Happy Places.

Is It Time To Die?

A fellow told me he hoped I and every liberal got hit by a bus.

I asked him if it is time to die and he said it is for us so I thanked him for the warm wishes and asked if he was selling Hemlock but he didn’t understand so he cursed at me.

It felt fitting for the moment.

I have done everything I can do to move heaven and earth for a particular project and now I am stuck waiting to see what they will choose to do.

Stuck trying to fix problems I didn’t cause or create and resentful because I don’t need any assistance in getting into trouble. I am pretty good at doing it on my own.

Agitated because it is damn hard to sit back and do nothing when I haven’t any time frame to work with.

If it is successful and things go the right way it will be monumentally important and potentially life changing. It is the kind of thing that you get a crack at because you work hard and do the right thing, but hard work and good intentions don’t always pay dividends.

Sometimes you roll snake eyes.

If the old man and my grandfathers were here they’d say all you can do is your best and remind me you can only play the hand you are dealt.

I am tired. I am exhausted. I am worn out.

I am not done…hell, I am just getting started.

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