She says she never needs to go back to California again but I don’t tell her she’d be lucky to go back with me and get the insider’s tour.
No reason to mention it now, maybe no reason to mention it ever, people say things and change their minds. Sometimes challenging an opinion causes them to dig their heels in, or maybe that is just me.
A man has dreams and ideas about the life he hopes to live and sometimes they intersect his current life and sometimes they run parallel.
You can’t ever know which way those lines will go without walking the path and there is rarely reason to try to push the river because water almost always finds a way to move around or through the objects in its path.
So better to focus on good news and the mirror’s evidence.
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
― Aristotle, Metaphysics
Conversations With Myself
I have lived alone more times than you think and developed habits that sometimes lead to being given wide berth on public transportation.
Ok, that is a big exaggeration, it is not unusual for you to hear fragments of conversations I have with myself but if you see me alone in public you’re unlikely to hear me babble, rant or act crazy.
Ok, that might not be true either not because there is limited public transportation here but because the drivers are awful. Texans think the preferred method to drive is drunk, blindfolded or looking down at their phone so you might hear me rant.
You might hear me tell someone in no uncertain terms how I would prefer they drive their truck off of a cliff or into a pool of lava as opposed to trying to kill the rest of us who are just going about our day.
The most likely scenario in which you hear me mutter is when I am writing as I sometimes read fragments out loud to see if I like the way they feel upon my tongue and the page.
****
Got good news today regarding a particular situation that has been wreaking havoc upon my current state of mind.
Circumstances dictated a need to jump off of a cliff and try to find wings upon the way and it became apparent it was better to search for a parachute.
Didn’t find wings or a parachute but caught a jet stream that propelled me upwards and gave some time to turn a bad state of affairs into something that might be called a win.
And should it all go to hell it looks as if the actions I have taken are being admired and discussed in a favorable manner.
That pleased me far more than what I saw in the mirror’s reflection.
The evidence it reflected back upon me proved some measures haven’t been effective and that concerns me a bit.
The funny thing about it is how it is clear there is a mutiny among the pieces and parts of me. My arms are starting to resemble the look of my early and mid twenties as is my upper back and shoulders.
But not all of me is on board with the current efforts so other parts and pieces refuse to change or protest by sending indelible evidence of their anger.
Mysterious stabbing pain, aches that show up without invitation and over stay whatever time they are rightfully allotted.
Teenage girl catches me in the midst of the investigation and rolls her eyes.
“Ask your middle aunt about what your father looked like. She’ll give you an honest answer but you won’t want to hear it.”
She rolls her eyes and I continue.
“I don’t like the way things are. I haven’t done as good a job as I could or should. It has far less to do with ego and more with what I know can happen if I slip up. That is why I rarely miss time at the gym.”
It isn’t parental bullshit I am slinging either, it is truth. There is a ton of progress but the hit that came because of the double hernia lingers.
When It Is Over
I didn’t send word or notice about the end. I walked away.
Had enough and decided I won’t fight for what isn’t appreciated. Decades and experiences are important to me but if they aren’t important to others I am a guy who will eventually say ‘fuck ’em.’
Parts and pieces broke and that was it. It isn’t a Humpty- Dumpty story which makes it extra sad. Didn’t have to go this route, but I can’t fix the broken parts alone.
Won’t try to rope the moon or stop the earth spinning for this, not going to fight Hades or Poseidon.
Some things change and some people change.
Sometimes you change together and sometimes you don’t.
I know who I can be locked in closets with and who I can’t.
I know who will fight and who won’t.
To those who don’t want to fight the answer is ‘fuck em.’
Be well, be safe and be gone.
“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”
― Paulo Coelho
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