Got Hungry Heart playing on iTunes and a confession, there are moments where I think Bruce was/is right. Years of being responsible for all the heavy lifting can wear upon you.
Something about the moment reminds me of a fragment of a story I heard or at least think I did.
It’s one where June told Johnny to take a walk and he pushed back and said it was a foolish request. They bickered back and forth and he told her he missed his best friend or something like that.
They say it was part of what led them down the path to whatever they became or something like that. I remember being impressed by Johnny’s willingness to put it all out there and thought about how I would be very reluctant to do so.
But then again I have been known to get that feeling of running with the moon and all bets are off about what I will or won’t do.
I missed hitting the gum tonight because of my eyes.
My eyes are so very sore I decided to take the night off so that I could sit in a warm shower and baby them a little bit.
Tomorrow I am going to see the ophthalmologist and I am practically giddy with excitement. This has been an on again/off again issue for at least 10 years and I need to get answers.
My PCP gave me some drops last September that seemed to work pretty well but lately they haven’t done the trick and I can’t stand the nonsense that comes with the sporadic irritation.
I am done with not being able to do better than use the home remedies I have discovered. Time to get more details about what this is and do something with it…I hope.
You might ask why I haven’t done anything yet and the answer is because there was a time when I couldn’t afford it.
Hell, I went without health insurance for a while because it was what had to be done to make ends meet.
That is years ago now, but I remember it.
Many people have been in much tougher situations than I have, but I also know I have been through much worse than many I know.
When they talk about cutting back I sometimes snort because their idea of cutting back isn’t close to what I think of cutting back.
I have been down the hard road and not taking a vacation doesn’t mean you are on it, but I digress.
Moments like now are part of when I think most about the old man. He understood so much of this, some because he went through similar experiences and some ‘cuz this is when you want to ask medical questions of the guy who gave you half your DNA.
We were the only two men in a house full of women and there were many time we watched the goings on around us and just exchanged a look.
Occasionally we would be questioned and we never tried to answer.
“You wouldn’t understand” isn’t what people want to hear but sometimes it is all they get because you can’t explain the silent conversation you just had.
It is just something you know is understood on b0th sides and you leave it at that.
Got a couple of Jackson Browne songs that I could insert as the soundtrack here but I won’t ‘cuz I have to keep going.
Have to keep dancing and pretending until there is a reason to do otherwise.
Got that long and winding road and the weight that has to be carried until it doesn’t.
Maybe I ought to go see the Gypsy lady and ask her to read my fortune. Maybe I ought to see what else comes with Love Potion number 9 and find out if dancing in the fire is fate, fortune or choice.
Sometimes I think back to that day in July when we buried dad under that bright blue Simi Valley sky.
It was 100 degrees or so and kept hearing Seger sing inside my head ‘cuz it was part of what carried me through the moment. Wasn’t quite like Johnny in all black, except my soul and so I dug.
Watched friends and family help make sure the last shovelfuls were passed by us and then added another two or three again just because no one was going to tell me when to stop.
Sometimes after midnight I think about picking up the phone knowing he won’t answer but wondering if I ought to just try one more time.
Thinking about those final words on the day he breathed his last and wondered if maybe he could hear it and exchanged one last look, don’t ask what we said, you wouldn’t understand.