The mysterious they of they say suggest the strongest person is he/she who can master themselves and so I find myself battling the most implacable and cleverest foe I have ever met.
He knows me intimately and easily anticipates my every move, sometimes finding ways to best me and sometimes not.
This morning I thought about tempting myself, because I knew if I sat in the right seat I would smell home and it would get stuck inside my nose and waft its way into my head.
Knew it would distract me and my thoughts would wander and thought about following my nature to go after the challenge and take it on.
The gauntlet was thrown down and all I had to do was go pick it up and it would be on, except I chose not to. Not because I didn’t want to but because sometimes you answer the call by ignoring it.
Besides if you know what I really think it doesn’t matter what I say for life will have its say and we’ll have to respond when it comes as we choose to do.
Sometimes you dance in the fire with the echoes and wait for a sign to help you determine if they are from the past or from the future.
Some people never know the moment.
Some people know the moment and lose it never to capture it again.
Some who lose it seek second chances because that is what has to be done.
And some just sit in silence and none can say what it is they think upon, about or remember.
Heart and soul is more than just a man or just a woman.
A Million Stars Above
You never asked so I don’t think I ever said one of the best things people ever hear is “I just want to spend time with you.”
Someone said it to me once and when I repeated it back they asked if it was because of lust. I could have said yes or could have said no.
Could have said when you find the missing piece to your puzzle you always want to be together.
Could have said experience has repeatedly demonstrated the significance of discovering the person who opens your eyes and whose eyes are opened by you.
Reminds me of a time when someone asked me to be honest about the real reason I moved to Texas and how we both knew they didn’t entirely believe the answer I gave.
I never wavered, never gave an inch on it.
Didn’t have to because my answer was sincere but I knew there was at least an ounce of disbelief and skepticism. I understood it but chose not to entertain it because some conversations don’t need to take place.
Or if they do they have to be done under special and specific circumstances.
I have often thought that doing so under a million stars above would be a good thing as the majesty and magic leads to a mutually beneficial moment.
One where you can strip away pretense, walls and armor and for a moment be more than just naked.
You can be safe and vulnerable.
What Is And What Is Not
Someone once asked me to write a description of people, so I wrote the following.
Home, that is what we were for each other. A refuge and a sanctuary that provided incredible amounts of strength. An indefatigable team who was naturally able to heal each other.
When they asked where I came up with it I smiled and said I found it somewhere between the Covent Tree and the Pacific Ocean.
“I don’t know what that refers to or what it means.”
I smiled and told them a good writer is an artist and artists are crazy and broken.
“Are you saying you are a crazy and broken?”
“Nah, crazy maybe, but not broken. Every time something breaks I crazy glue it back together or cut it off.”
“Josh, I am aware that you can go on for 30 minutes and not answer the question.”
“Damn, if you think I can only go for 30 minutes you are either horrifically wrong or I am horrifically bad at providing a different path to wander down.”
There are moments in time when I shrug my shoulders and work on accepting what is and what cannot be. That was a lesson the old man drilled into me and one I fought against.
It is not as hard as you might think to accept his words and do my own thing anyway.
Home Is Where You Make It
LA friends and family ask me about life in Texas and how we manage.
Very few have real insight into all that happened or how I am not kidding when I say I spent a good part of time walking through hell while people poured gasoline on my head.
It is not hyperbole to me to say I feel like much of what I loved was taken from me and that a good part of the past felt like I took a beating.
There are sections of time that aren’t filled with pleasant memories and I am certain I got through them because I am too stubborn to quit.
Intermixed is the knowledge my ability to take the beating extended things because I should have tried to change things far sooner, but I didn’t.
So here we are in Texas, me in my second tour here, more than halfway towards my three year anniversary.
Many sacrifices were made to get to this place but overall the situation and circumstances are pretty damn good. Better than before.
Still experience has taught me things can turn and I am cautious about being too joyful in my speech about the improvement. I haven’t recovered so much that I can’t be thrown back down the mountain. but we are much closer.
Home isn’t solely a space or place.
It is very much where you make it and who you choose to spend it with.
Mine will change again in the future, but I can’t say precisely what that will look like just that it will.
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