Oh The Places You Might Go

I might have read or heard something on the radio about how June told Johnny he was a great writer and that it was his true gift.

At least I think that is how it went, I can’t really remember for certain and I am not sure if it really matters because it is just an introduction to stories I thought about writing.

Something about the places people might go if they had the chance. Ordinary folks who could have adventures in ordinary places like Cleveland or Los Angeles seeing the things tourists see and doing the things tourists do except they would have expert tour guides to take them around.

And something about it all would lend itself to the ordinary being turned into the extraordinary because that is where you find the magic…in the quiet and unexpected moments.

Because the beauty of life is found in the people who make you feel like you can rope the moon.

Seeing Triple

I got unexpected news today that made me scream at the sky, but not in anger but triumph.

You may say I shouldn’t have been surprised because I was told by the lady-in-the-moon that I would do it. I wasn’t so sure.

“Ya know Lady-in-the-moon you have been one of the great PITAs 0f my life and there have been moments where you made me roll my eyes because you said stuff I thought was ridiculous, you were right about it this time.”

I could tell you what the Lady-in-the-moon said but you wouldn’t believe that a celestial being would speak to or with me. I am just a commoner and not royalty.

But you’d say “Josh, you don’t care about royalty” and I would say you are right. I don’t.

Kings and Queens pollute the small office with the best of them and there is no royal decree that can hide the stench.

Maybe they have a Royal Neurologist and or GI and I don’t, but that is cool because I am not convinced giving the doc a crown means he/she knows any more than the next guy.

Hell, dad’s oncologist was supposed to be stellar and the only stellar thing about him was how big an asshole he is.

That would be forgivable if we saw better treatment and better results, but we didn’t and I said ‘fuck him.’

Reminds me of a conversation I had with a doc at the gym who complained to me about patients and insurance. I shrugged my shoulders at him and said it sounded like sour grapes.

“Do you know how much time I put in? You can’t imagine what med school and all that came after it was like.”

I shook my head and told him that didn’t impress me.

“I could have done it. I could have gotten in and done all the work. I am not impressed by titles or positions earned solely by tenacity. That is all stuff I can do.

I am impressed by what you do afterwards and how you do it. I am impressed by actions.”

Needless to say the doc didn’t think I took Dale Carnegie’s book seriously. Maybe he is right.


A while back my head and something hard collided and I wondered if I was supposed to see triple or if maybe I had knocked something loose.

“Dude, someone might ask if you knocked some sense into yourself. And if they heard us talking to ourselves this way they might ask if we knocked it out.

Guess it is good no one is around. We really ought to save this talking to ourself shit for the bus or subway. It is an easy way to get a seat.”

Get Off Of Your Phone

I wrote a note on behalf of my neighbors to another neighbor about how they have been parking their truck.

It something like this, “most of us don’t believe you are so self centered to think it is cool to take multiple parking spaces with your truck. Most of us don’t worry about forgetting to wear our glasses when we park our vehicles either. That would be kind of selfish too because we might accidentally ding your hood and the collision would cause holes in your tires.”

Wouldn’t you know it that truck has never blocked all those spaces since.

I thought about that letter while standing in line at the grocery store where some young lady was speaking with ‘Chad” via speakerphone.

Had it been a quick comment I wouldn’t have cared but it wasn’t quick and the cashier wasn’t moving particularly quickly so I introduced myself.

“Hey Chad, this is Jack and I am so glad to make your acquaintance. Did you really tell that other boy you would kick his ass or are you just trying to impress your lady friend?”

Apparently this upset Chad’s lady friend who referred to me as an ‘old asshole’ to which I said ‘you forgot biggest.’

Chad didn’t know what to make of this and sputtered something while his lady friend said it was lucky he wasn’t there.

“Maybe Chad is lucky not to see your bad behavior. Maybe he doesn’t want to find out whether a Kosher Salami feels good when used on the side of the head or inserted into cavities.”

Fortunately we’ll never know what Chad thinks or feels about such things but I am willing to bet he wouldn’t appreciate any of those.

Hell, Chad wouldn’t know if it was a Kosher salami or the store brand that nailed him in this hypothetical scenario. But if it had played out there would have been applause followed by a dinner of salami and eggs.

“Officer, I have no idea what you are talking about. You don’t see any salami here now do you?”

Note to self, remember to dump your trash in a different city.


That unexpected news offers a temporary reprieve that I am working hard to take advantage of.

Tomorrow the clock starts again and it will take some heavy lifting to do it again. This time around I have to start from 200 yards back while standing in a hole.

This time around I’ll be handcuffed and will take more than bravado and fancy footwork to break free.

But you never know, I have seen lightning strike and found a couple four leaf clovers. I don’t have to be as good as I once was every day, I just have to be him once.

Here goes nothing.

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