Something crawled inside me and is trying to claw its way out from places and spaces that require a more tender touch than it chooses to use upon me.
I picture an alien feasting upon my innards and imagine I surprise him. “Wrong day to fuck with me kind sir, it is six months and take no prisoners.”
Doesn’t matter to him/her/it because it doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak Alien so we go to war. It is an all out battle to the death and I am not losing, not today, not any day.
At least not to this little fucker.
Someone ought to find a space translator and tell it I know stomach pain and only making me partially double over is like mother’s milk. I have lived with this for so long I always figure out how to manage.
****
Given that I have been indisposed for chunks of time I have chosen to use it wisely and when I am not feeding my mind with useful information I am scoping out the stats to see if anything interesting has shown up.
That is when I come across a post from last year that touches upon multiple things that are applicable to the current. Indeed there are things to believe in and reminders that staying the course when it gets hard is important.
The progress made between then and now is…significant and though it has been challenging as of late, I am optimistic that the work will yield results.
One Easy Day
“What does your heart ask for?”
“A day in which we can truly rest, body and soul. A moment to shed the weight of worry and concern and to suck on the marrow of life and feast upon the joy.”
There was a time when I would have expected scoffing and guffaws but it doesn’t come any more and if it does, not from this corner because there is an understanding.
I think about that often now…understanding.
There are those who uplift our spirits and make us feel understood. Those whose call, text or email we are always happy to see and those emotional vampires who suck the life out of us.
Emotional vampires…
I remember the time a friend told me someone had told that I sucked the life out of the room. I looked them in the eye and said anyone who felt that way and couldn’t tell me ought to stop talking to me.
If you don’t have the ability to say it to my face I am not interested in trying to determine if we had a misunderstanding or if there is some other reason.
“Josh, you know you are pretty intense sometimes. Are you protecting them? Are you speaking for them? Are you them? If the answer is no to all than let’s go with this as a response. No one is required to be in my life. There are no chains by marriage, birth or anything else.
People are free to walk away and if they can’t well they better accept this is who I am or sit me down and ask if we can come to an agreement.”
They looked at me, nodded and said ok.
Fight Through It
In about two weeks it will be 12 months since dad’s diagnosis, not that it matters because today is six months since he died.
Mom says he can come back from his vacation and I smile, because we all would like it.
A year ago I told him where things were at and he told me to keep going.
“Sometimes you have to fight through it. Keep going and if you need to give them hell.”
Fifteen minutes ago I got more news that I would share with him. I’d say I hit 99 percent on one and 75 on the other.
He’d congratulate me and I’d say it is not enough, not good enough to make me relax and feel comfortable. I can hear his sigh coming and feel him reassure me that life gets easier.
“It takes a while to get there, but you are so much closer than you realize. Fifty isn’t as old as you think.”
He is right and though I knew it then something about it feels even truer than before.
But there are moments where it is harder to accept, moments where I wonder how many more miles of walking upon hot coals are required before I get there.
Moments where I listen carefully to someone else tell me about their challenges and do my best to not offer solutions but just listen to let them know they are heard.
Sometimes that is all you need to do and sometimes you offer a place between arms knowing some puzzle pieces always fit together.
I mentioned it once long ago and was asked it was some kind of line and responded by saying truth didn’t need a line.
****
Haven’t watched any of Shtisel today, but I will.
The Hebrew and Yiddish make me smile. I enjoy practicing my skills in other languages and the subtitles make it easy to determine how well I follow the conversations.
I got dad started on Fauda but I don’t think he finished the first season because he got too sick. Been thinking I might watch it again for him.
Been thinking I have to go back to Deli News and have a meal because that place is forever going to be somewhere I associate with him. Kind of funny because I started going there without him and there are many places in LA that have far more memories attached to them than it does.
But if we are smart we don’t question why certain places and spaces make us smile, we just accept them.
That is part of how magic works.
You don’t look behind the curtain to see if the wizard is just a man, you sit back and enjoy the show.
Life is a hell of a ride, sometimes it is so very painful and sometimes it is so very sweet.
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