Under a blood red moon and an endless night sky I ponder recent conversations and questions.
One person complains I say nothing and another says I speak in generalities. Both are correct and both are unlikely to hear more until the click goes off in my head.
You know that click, the one that says you ought to hold back and be cautious, be certain, be careful with your words.
It is funny because I am typically very good at saying nothing and living with silence. I am also quite good at filling up the silence but do so less in my elder years because there is less need for it.
“Be careful with your words, don’t expose yourself here because you may not like the consequences of such thing. Be cool and let things go wherever they go because you can’t control a fucking thing anyway.”
It is good advice that have shared with others but tonight it is a reminder to myself.
What You Won’t Hear
When they ask me how I figure out how much I am willing to share and how much I hold back I shrug my shoulders.
“Sometimes I look for the words I want to hear and wonder if the actions of another serve as proof such words are forthcoming or never will come. I think about that old saw about never making yourself a priority for people who don’t do the same and smile.
It is good advice and I mostly follow it, mostly meaning I try not to let fear stop me from trying to bridge gaps that might actually be available to being bridged.
Not all can be and whether it is because of logical reasons or other I do my best to accept the limitations of people…myself included.
But I also pay close attention to those people who elevate us and are elevated in return.
For a basic example I point towards some of the guys I play pick up basketball with. Some of the guys are very good players but our styles clash.
Instead of working together we stifle each other and the potential is wasted.
But there are others who I love to play with because we fit like puzzle pieces instinctively knowing where to position ourselves for passes and plays.
We’re a real team and actively find ways to overcome the challenges posed by our opponents. We may not always win, but we have fun and I never doubt that we are pulling the same direction.
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Many years ago my mother complained when I said I could be difficult to get along with and that I didn’t care about it.
“I don’t know if you want to brag about that.”
“Mom, I am not bragging. I acknowledge I have my idiosyncrasies and that some people find them challenging. I don’t try to build relationships with those people. I look for those where it just flows, who understand my kind of crazy because it describes them too.”
Dad and I had a similar type of discussion not so long ago where we talked about the importance of living with the heart. It wasn’t the kind of thing he said so I paid extra attention.
It was tied into a conversation we had some years before and in some ways you could say it was filled with generalities. But we knew each other well enough to not always have to spell things out so I followed it.
And if I didn’t, well there is no way to determine that now…so oh well. 😉
Got Otis singing Hard To Handle in my ear and a bunch of other thoughts such as the importance of paying attention to who you look for when times get rough.
Upstairs there is an 18 year-old boy/man who probably feels much like I did about my father when I was that age. He doesn’t like hearing ‘you can’t screw an old head on young shoulders any more than I did.’
I get it, I really do.
If he knew some of the choices I have made because I thought they would help/protect him he might be angry because he disagreed or he might celebrate them.
I never promised to review every choice or try to justify them and I still don’t.
Some things just are and the question of if I will forever pay the price for some is still out.
But I have learned that my upcoming birthday doesn’t mean I am as old I once thought it would be.
There is new world coming on the horizon and while some of the things that come will be challenging there will be new opportunities to focus more closely on personal desires than there once was.
More could be said, but sometimes you should be careful with your words.
