My number one fan says I should let go and write with reckless abandon because the more authentic and raw my writing is the better it will be.
I don’t really respond because what I want to say would require a face-to-face meeting because this feels a bit like making rules for falling down the stairs.
Maybe it is because of my own concern about what might come out or maybe it is because I am concerned about the reactions of others and the funny thing, is I rarely let that influence the very personal stuff.
My standard reaction is if people don’t like it, they don’t have to read. ‘Fuck ’em, there is no subscription plan here and I don’t owe anyone but myself my best writing.
But maybe that is not true, maybe I write for me and the mystery. Maybe I wonder if Jericho reads this and sees what lies behind the curtain there will be some kind of reaction I am not prepared for.
I look inwards and try to figure out whether that is concern about a very positive or a very negative and I don’t come up with a response or than my standard, ‘why does it have to be one extreme or the other?’
Heart and gut laugh while brain looks at our scrunched up face in the mirror and asks why the laughter.
Someone asked me about this quote and what it means to me and I smiled.
“It means everything. It is one of my favorites.”
“Why?”
“Because I know this. I have lived this and it is an experience that changes you forever.”
They ask for more details and I smile but say nothing.
“Does that smile mean you are not going to say more. You love teasing people.”
“Both are true but I am not silent because I am trying to taunt or tease. Some things are only to be shared with those who experienced them with you.
They are sacred and I can’t paint this picture for you even if I want to and I don’t.”
Can you tell me anything? I am so curious.”
There are lots of ways to be naked and not all are physical, by design or by choice. Some just happen.”
“I don’t understand.”
“And you won’t because I just put the periscope down and am going deep. There is only one person I’ll speak with about this.”
There is an internal symphony inside my head and if I told you it sounded like this it would be true for a moment but it wouldn’t cover it all.
It would include longing and lust, hope and happiness and a multitude of other things. Some of you will read and hear certain things that lead you to anticipate or think there is a particular meaning but I can’t say you are right.
Why?
Because I don’t know what you think.
I have my ideas and given who you are I can often come up with a very good guess.
Some of you are transparent and some of you are dishonest with yourself but don’t recognize it.
I know who I am, I know what I am and I have stripped away pretense, at least when it comes to my thoughts about myself. I have no bigger critic and I believe myself to be more honest about my weaknesses and strengths than others.
Does it matter?
I don’t know, depends on the day, the month and the moment.
The freight train left the station and is heading towards a giant bonfire while the engineer and conductor work on keeping it from jumping the track.
There is joy and there is concern tinged with exhaustion.
Every time I think I have spent all I have I come across reserves I didn’t know existed which is why I know in some cases I am capable of carrying those who need to be carried or who require a steady shoulder to lean on.
I am very hard to pin down, except for the few.
It is not a blaxploitation or seventies reference. There is no funk intended unless it is of the sort that happens when you get jammed inside a box and you can’t escape.
The decision was made long ago to follow the soul, listen to the heart and to give the brain an occasional opportunity to review it all.
A man has to think about what he does, who he is and who he wants to be and then he needs to stop thinking and just be.
