There was a time when I could stack the lat pull machine and add some more weight to it because by itself the thing wasn’t heavy enough to test me.
I can’t stack it anymore, but I can still pull around 200 or so.
Around is the operative word because I am cautious about testing my limits because the body doesn’t always cooperate the way it once did.
This frustrates me as I am not a fan of mutiny and open rebellion unless I am the one organizing it.
Sometimes I think about what I used to do as opposed to what I can do now and tell myself about how much wiser and mentally tougher I am.
It is all true but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss that younger body or that the guy who had the younger body wasn’t smart enough to want to be as wise and tough has life has taught/forced me to become.
I told dad some of this last week when I went to visit him and made some predictions for a new year.
I have had a few conversations recently that reminded me about how honest we can be with some people and how hard it is to do with others.
The funny thing about it is in our quest to be understood and to be heard we hesitate to say what is really on our minds.
Sometimes it is because we fear we will offend or scare the other person and sometimes it is because we fear we will scare/offend ourselves.
When I told dad some of this I laid everything out and didn’t hold back a single dream or fear. Maybe it was easy because I knew the old man wasn’t going to judge, chide or ignore me.
He would just listen.
I told him this year I would focus on sharing myself with those who deserved my attention in that ‘bigger and more authentic‘ way that people talk about but rarely do because it is easier to say than act.
“Abba, I am pretty unfiltered as it is, but I can’t do the half ass thing I have been doing. I have culled the herd down and though I am comfortable with my own company, I am very aware of how alone I am at times. Is it because I have made it so or is it a combination of things?”
Dad didn’t answer and I told him I am too intense for some and that probably wears or scares people.
“But I am going to be 50 fucking years-old and I don’t know if I have 5, 15, 25 or 100 years left. Something happened that reminded me of what it could be like, so I am reaching a bit.”
How Many Ways Can You Solve This?
The doc told me today I had been very wise in moving forward and that doing so at my age would likely save me some future heartache.
I nodded my head and said I agreed and we talked about variables that can impact the future a bit. Some of you will argue that genetics play a big role and I won’t disagree because they do.
But where I can modulate, adapt and restructure I will. You can’t see the changes but I can feel them and the expectation is they will continue to make me feel better.
That is invaluable to me.
I don’t want to hear about how I might have been exceptional for doing what I did before. That is like praising someone for dousing themselves in gasoline and not screaming while the flames burn them.
It is foolish.
So the question to me as I ponder and consider is how many different ways there are to solve the equations in life and which are going to be most helpful.
That is not an easy question or answer because every action has a reaction and you can’t always predict what will happen.
The things that destroy us aren’t always obvious nor are they predetermined to do so. You can take a left or right turn, stop, or move forward.
Someone told me how their teens don’t hug them anymore and I nodded because mine rarely hug me too. Hell, no one hugs me much if ever now.
I didn’t mention that in response because it sounded lame and I didn’t want to sound like I was hinting because I wasn’t, but also because the realization made me think about the situation.
Is this something I did?
Maybe, maybe not.
Some of that I can change and some of it I can’t.
I only have control over me, unless there is unlimited pizza near by or a Cinnabon and then all bets are off.
I am not going to pick three words for 2019 or limit myself to one particular phrase, but I’ll say that Count Basie understands me and close with two other quotes.
You’l love me or hate me but you probably won’t be ambivalent about me. Whenever the lights go out for a final time I’ll hope there will be plenty of reason to say I made a difference and was significant in a few lives in a positive way.
That is 2019 and perhaps beyond.