I walked into the meeting having promised myself I would be the example of calm, cool and collected.
There wasn’t going to be much talking on my part because I was going to sit back, listen and learn. Silence was going to be a useful tool and a friend to me.
Not because I wanted to play games but I was uncertain of the framework and circumstances suggested caution would be wise.
“Be cool brother, say little and listen.”
Except I walked in and found myself feeling flustered and out of sorts and I couldn’t figure out why. I had no expectations, hopes yes, but expectations no.
For a brief moment I wondered if something had leaked out of me on the way in because I was so off kilter it felt like I was sitting at an angle.
And then something clicked and it felt like I could breathe again. I don’t know if I can put my finger on the how or why of it, I can only say something changed.
It was like a dislocated shoulder popped back into place and I felt like I could see more clearly than I had in years.
As the fog lifted from my eyes and clarity pushed aside confusion I heard the roar of the gut instinct freight train start rolling inside my head.
It is an old familiar friend, that freight train. It is the one that sees opportunity and says to go for it and to not perseverate about potential consequences.
“You think too much about this you’ll suffer from paralysis of analysis. Got to take action and not risk missing out because you let fear fool you into doing nothing.”
That inner voice made sense, but I heard another suggesting a more cautious approach. “Freight trains that run off of the tracks cause great damage. Better to not overtax the engineer by pushing too hard. Be more like the tortoise than the hare. The little engine that could did better than the fool who tripped the switch and ran into the station wall.
*****
There isn’t enough time to write the way I want to and too much noise both externally and internally to compose as I need to.
Sometimes I just put the words on paper with reckless abandon and sometimes I am more cautious because I don’t want my intent to be misunderstood.
So the music plays and I try to follow the tone I hear in my head.
Three hours the meeting went and at its conclusion I left feeling good about all that had been accomplished. Felt like I had said most of what I wanted to say and that it had been understood.
Laughed at myself at the failed attempt to be cool and decided it is better to have been my authentic self, no holds barred and full steam ahead…mostly.
Life is short and filled with contradictions, twists and turns with few clues as to what will or won’t happen.
Prognistication is a skill I haven’t yet mastered. I have learned that I have little to no control of most things and that the best I can do is roll with whatever comes.
My buddy Pablo might be disappointed not to have been included here tonight. But I think he’ll forgive me for he would understand that constant interruption and general chaos prevents me from producing the way I wish to.
The racket is such that I am not certain this should even be published but I suspect I will do so in spite of my uncertainty about the quality.
Why?
Because I might choose to use this as a springboard for a longer, more coherent and smarter post.
Some of the material contained within has enough quality to merit further exploration and maybe even explanation. But we’ll stop here because flames have begun to shoot from my nostrils and lasers from my eyes.
Five more days, let the countdown start.
