Johnny and I are pointing and clicking our way through Facebook and I am actively reminding myself this is a mistake.
“Tomorrow is dad’s birthday and you’re looking for trouble. He’d tell you not to waste your energy on this.”
I nod my head and mutter “but if I did engage he’d tell me to finish it.”
That’s only partially true, it is what he said about a fist fight. Been a long while since I enjoyed some fisticuffs with another.
Thoughts flit and flop around and I think about some people that need to be manhandled and then force that out of my head.
“Focus on your form, breathe.”
240 goes up and down and I play around with trying to shoot the moon. Maybe I can hit 300. Maybe I can push back the clock.
I look around but don’t see anyone who can spot me. I am already pissed off so this just frustrates me some more but I play it smart and don’t try pushing too hard…today.
Facebook Didn’t Make You Ignorant Or Stupid
I have noticed many of the people who haven’t lost a parent don’t understand how profound this is.
They don’t appreciate how it can make you feel like a teenager again or how shocking it can be. I look in the mirror and remind the reflection of how much life we have experienced. I say we are 49 and our oldest is going to turn 18 this year.
“Pull it together, you have come too far and done too much to fuck it up ‘cuz you feel sad. Call or write someone who understands.”
****
Johnny and I continue wandering and shaking our heads at the collective stupidity we see.
A woman tells me I have Trump Derangement Syndrome and I respond with a comment about how pathetic you have to be to use that line.
“I guess when you have no fact to support you and aren’t smart enough to discern what is or isn’t significant you go with simple and easy insults.”
A couple people who are friends of friends jump into the fray but I am not having it.
“Facebook didn’t make you ignorant or stupid, but it sure illuminated it.”
Someone tells me they want to kick my ass and a broad smile washes across my face. “I own you now. I have free rent inside your head.”
I keep that thought to myself and point-and-click my way elsewhere. There are no medals to be worn or trophies to be earned through this kind of nonsense.
But I will confess to having looked at the profile of the man who wished he could kick my ass. If he and I were ever to meet he better bring some help and or his health insurance card.
He’ll thank me later for beating the ugly out of him.
I don’t write any of these things on Facebook or share them with him, but I think them. That is enough to take the edge off.
It is a waste of energy but for the moment I am fumbling my way through this time and I figure as long as no action is taken no harm is done.
Telephone Line
There is a moment during the song where I think about calling but don’t.
I could and if I did I might share everything but then again maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe it would require a face-to-face.
Hard to say, everything is slightly off kilter now.
Waiting for these test is making me a bit crazy now. I want to know what I am looking at so that I can figure out if I have the right solutions in mind.
It is like trying to put a puzzle together when you are not certain you have the right pieces.
There is a general feeling of a lack of support that irks me too, but it is not clear if that is factual or just because of extenuating circumstances.
Could be both, could be neither and it could be some from column A and column B.
The lack of clarity makes me grumpier than normal. “Congratulations for sitting on the pole, try not to grease your ass before you climb up it again.”
****
There is a moment during the back and forth where I wonder how long it will take for life to feel normal again.
It has been a long time since I felt like I was situated and part of a community. I have been to a couple of shuls in Texas but haven’t connected with one yet.
Haven’t decided if it is because I haven’t given them a real shot yet or if it is because I have had so much on my plate it has been impossible to focus.
I lean towards the latter but wonder about the former.
Maybe I am comfortably numb or maybe the fire burns too bright for me to make quick decisions.
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