Many years ago I told someone I would always be able to find them.
“How can you say that?”
“Because I know things and I feel your presence. It is a disturbance in the Force.”
We both laughed and then I repeated it and said I was serious.
“The men in my family are strong willed and when we set out to do things we usually accomplish them.”
I’ll Be The Last
That is me, the baby, 48 or so years ago.
Four generations of Wilner men, and though I have always known the day would come when I would be the last it is shocking to realize it is much closer than ever before.
There is another picture, one taken later with my son, another four generations of us.
I am no longer at the bottom, but in the middle of the ranks. Made sense to me there because there was a natural progression.
But I am not ready to occupy the top rung of the ladder.
That doesn’t matter because the choice is not mine. Though I would change it if I could.
I would go past the veil into the darkness and bring the others back. I would hold the gate open long enough for them to come.
I would find them.
But I can’t go on this trip. I am not invited.
Doesn’t matter how good I am at finding people or how much force of will I can exert.
Maybe there is nothing after this or maybe there is an angel holding a flaming sword who won’t be baited into fighting a mere mortal.
The bottom line remains the same, I can’t go there. All I can do is stare at the desert and wonder if the specs I see are those I look for or just dust in my eyes.
The Mark To Beat
I heard strength and conviction in my father’s voice and though it was hard, it pleased me.
A decision had been made and I heard that thing in his voice that I have known since childhood. He had made the best choice he felt he could make and was ready to live with what comes next.
The difference being this time I knew he had chosen a harder road.
Dad could have taken a different path and many others would have, but not him. Strength of will and desire for a little bit more drove him.
I get it. I understand it.
He didn’t have to spell it out for me. I am my father’s son so now we walk down a new path.
There is a mark to hit and one to beat.
I feel myself moving the puzzle pieces into place so that I can do what little I can to help.
*****
I hit the gym three hours later than I had planned and worked out for far less time than I had hoped to.
The adrenaline surge from earlier had mostly dissipated and I decided it is better to be cautious.
Ok, that isn’t entirely true. I tried to be careful but found myself pushing as if I were 20 which is probably why I already feel sore.
It is a good kind of pain and a worthwhile reminder.
Maybe I Knew
It is possible I suspected some of this was coming and that is why this happened.
Of course it is also possible that Donald Trump wants to be a humanitarian and not the biggest joke we have seen in office for a long while too.
Hell, maybe he really does believe he isn’t Putin’s lap dog. He might be that delusional and or stupid.
To be clear, if my father wasn’t on my mind I would still feel the same way about the Oompa-Loompa in the Oval Office.
Hard not to when you see bad policies and lies consistently peddled as being something other than the shitsicles we know they are.
****
There is so much more I could say and want to say but won’t.
I know that sounds obnoxious, but it is not my intent. I just don’t have it in me to share those things here.
So maybe we’ll end this.
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