The house is empty so there wasn’t any rush to come home not that it mattered, because today was one of those days where running through waist deep mud would feel fast in comparison.
Time in the gym wasn’t supposed to be optional, but the body felt otherwise and forced a 3 hour nap upon me.
Wandered around the house for a bit, drinking coffee as if I had rolled the years back to 1989 and was cramming for finals.
Music flows through my ears and I keep thinking about uncertain certainties. It is a mix of fire and something else.
Maybe it is one way conversations punctuated by that feeling that I am like the Wichita Lineman and can hear singing through the lines as if it was a dozen years earlier.
I Am Not Part Of Your Club
I am going to miss celebrating a certain girl’s birthday in person for all of the right reasons and though she says she understands I wonder.
Because I am on the verge of gaining membership into an organization I have no interest in being part of.
“I am not part of your club” has been one of my favorite things to say but I don’t know how much longer I get to say it.
Fighting to stay out of the club is part of why I am not going to be able to celebrate in person and it frustrates me because it feels like I am stuck between the rock and the hard place.
Frustrates me because decisions I made ar0und 14 years ago seem to have no bearing in some situations and I wonder if I was always going to reach this place.
Had I know that then I would have gone a different direction, but I didn’t.
Hell, I couldn’t know but that doesn’t change the frustration.
Cue Judy Collins.
****
I may get in the car and start driving tomorrow in search of adventure. May put this on to keep me company and head to Oklahoma to throw pennies in a fountain or may do something else.
The funny thing about feeling like your are drowning is sometimes you realize your feet are flush upon the bottom of the lake and you can walk.
Doesn’t matter that you don’t have gills because for this moment in time you just don’t need them.
One Day At A Time
“Son of a bitch, he stole my line.”
I always liked that scene, something about the expression in Robin’s eyes makes me smile. Feels familiar I guess.
This endless, challenging and in some ways harrowing day/time has to be handled in pieces because you can’t swallow it hole.
You have to take it a little at a time because otherwise it is overwhelming.
Sometimes you ask for help and you get it and sometimes you don’t.
I know what has to be done and how to make it happen…more or less.
****
The kids have told me they don’t like group projects because they don’t think they are fair.
I always nod my head and say they are right, they often aren’t. Someone always seems to do far less work but get the same grade/benefit of those who did more.
One of the things that made the day so damn hard is I carried some people for a significant amount of time and distance and saved their asses.
I took a bit of a beating too and got blamed for things that I had nothing to do with. As I have said many times that kind of crap irritates me because I am a pro at getting into trouble and don’t need any help.
It sucks to pay the consequences for things that I didn’t do and or didn’t get the benefit of doing, but sometimes that is how life rolls.
That is the motto and focus of the moment.
Going to do my thing, say my piece and go with whatever happens.
Will hold my hand out for those who wish to take it and refuse to give it to those who don’t deserve it.
And now at a short while before the midnight hour while I feel wide awake I may take a long walk. Fresh air is good for freeing the mind.
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