It starts with a ‘C’ and ends with an ‘ER’ but only when you are talking about the Zodiac.
Otherwise it starts with FUCK said loudly with the second word relegated to more of a growl, not that I am so familiar with it…yet.
But something tells me we might get to know each other with more intimacy than I want, need or ever hoped for.
It could be a different sort of Me Too moment but that remains to be seen.
Still I wouldn’t suggest you wait for my insouciant attitude to change because that is unlikely and not just because none of this feels real.
Dr. Google Is Not Your Friend
“You know better than to “Google” answers to medical questions.”
Little sister is correct, “Dr. Google” is not my friend nor yours.
While technically not an enemy either he doesn’t provide you with the context and background you need to understand many things.
He can leave you breathless and floundering because his answers are the cruelest sort of and you feel like hope has been stolen.
But then again he can make you squeal with joy and happiness and if your voice is like mine, well that squeal is something else.
The thing is, even though I know better I can’t sit and do nothing. Can’t wait for some doc or other medical professional to explain things.
Can’t wait for the foundation and context I haven’t gotten yet because I am the son of a Virgo and I am driven to start searching for answers.
I tend not to make bets I can’t win or feel like I have an excellent shot of winning because I hate losing games I don’t understand.
If I am going to gamble I want to feel like I know what the rules are and I don’t know how this particular game is played.
But the thing is, I don’t have access to all of the reports and tests yet, don’t have the resources I need to make a determination so I am forced to kind of wait.
Kind of being a euphemism for the compromise I make with myself.
“I’ll start with some basic reading and try to get a general sense of things and when I learn more I will circle back and hone in on the particulars.
I am good at that kind of thing, good at cramming all sorts of random pieces of information into my melon and not bad at pulling it out when needed.
Reading Between The Lines
They tell me they know I am not saying all that I know and ask for more information.
I wrestle for a moment with how much to say or not say knowing I have fooled more than one person into thinking I am not good at keeping secrets.
You get what I want you to get and beyond that all you have is speculation and that is ok for now, because speculation is all I have too.
Not just in this particular area but in several others.
It is a strange place to be because I know the results of tests and reports and that news doesn’t make me smile.
But information is not knowledge and I don’t yet know how to put it together.
Fear has me thinking about time, pushing me to try to take actions, but what action shall I take.
Measure twice and cut once isn’t some tired old saw, it is smart. I want to be smart here.
Fourteen year-old memories have come to visit again. I stare off into space thinking about sitting in a car on a street corner in New Jersey talking on the phone.
That support was key then.
****
For the time being I’ll pull strength from whenever and wherever I can.
The Tennyson quote M reads in Skyfall has always made me smile and I’ll continue to rely upon it.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
There will be no yielding, some stumbling maybe, but no yielding.
