I suspected the road might be icy and stayed vigilant but it didn’t matter because the patch I hit covered all of the lanes and physics doesn’t care about force of will or prayers.
For a moment I wondered if I shared the same sense of dread as the crewman who spotted the iceberg that took out side of the Titanic.
Closed my eyes not because I was afraid to see what would happen when the crash came but to protect them from any flying projectiles.
Truth is I never fear death because I know fate isn’t going to let me die young or fast. Too soft and too easy.
I am a participant and an observer which means I am required to watch. It is why I have been to so many funerals and why there are many more to come.
People like me know better to ask why but we fight anyway because sometimes you push the river even though you know the better choice is to figure out how to harness its energy.
Music Break
I couldn’t decide which of these is the appropriate soundtrack for my life now or if all of them are. Maybe none are or maybe there are others.
You Kissed The Wrong Person
I told someone they kissed the wrong person at midnight and when they asked me if I was the better choice I said it wasn’t a question.
It was kind of funny because they had told me more than once that if I took my head out of my ass I would see no one else could take better care of me.
Funny to think about the choices we make or don’t and the people we pick or don’t and the lack of logic involved in it all.
We like to say there are good reasons for a yes or no but so often we find decisions guided by fear and or arbitrary choices that ignore gut feelings and or signs.
There was a time when I thought that was all garbage but now I consider myself to be agnostic about it.
Too much has happened to me me ask hard questions and to wonder if that where I am at today is because of it all.
Things that make me wonder if I astride a roller coaster at the end of the end of the beginning.
Music Break
It Is Just Another Day
I didn’t watch the ball drop or count down to the New Year.
The kids asked me if I would come out and join them but I was far too angry and irritated to do so which is kind of funny in a way.
Why?
Because some say I live in the past but the reason I was set off was because I didn’t move 1,500 miles to bring certain elements of the past with me.
I left for new beginnings and new opportunity and wasn’t about to let what I left behind drag me down and stand upon my body.
Wasn’t about to give my blessing to stupidity so I removed myself from the situation.
It is just another day and I don’t require any particular moment or symbolism to choose to use for new beginnings or changes.
If I want to start a new diet, exercise more or change my life I can do that at any time or place. All I have to do is decide it is what I want and then follow through upon my choices.
Clouds
Can’t say if the biggest storm has passed or if it is coming but I know I have been through a few and that I am not who I was.
Know that I look at things differently and act differently than I once did and that is ok. Can’t be who I was or do as I did.
I see myself as being more me than ever and know more big changes are to come but can’t say exactly what they are or will be.
The best I can do is catch a glimpse of a reflection and fragments of ideas.
*****
Trimmed my beard a bit to try and give it a better shape and laughed when I took a look. If I put on a black suit and fedora I’d look like a rabbi to some, but in jeans and flannel with my boots I look more like a hunter.
Maybe I am both and maybe I am neither.
Guess the end of the beginning might shed some light upon that or not.
