An older man might say I had not one but two healthy snorts of Tequila before writing this.
Those who know me well might wonder why I chose Tequila and not Scotch. To them I would say why not two or three Shiner Bock or some of the good Vodka in my cabinet.
And with that we stop for our first song.
A New Year Approaches
I was told that 3 Silly Ways To Impress A Woman sounded like a stupid post and consequently it was not read.
“Only an idiot judges a book solely its cover, so I guess I know more about you now than I did before.”
It wasn’t taken kindly but I didn’t feel much kindness from their comment and responded in kind.
Perhaps it makes me childish and or foolish, perhaps not.
What I know is I never expected to live in Texas ever and yet part of me has known for a thousand years that destiny would bring me here because there is a part, piece and chapter of my life that is unfolding as we speak.
Don’t mistake destiny to be me saying I know precisely how or what will happen because I don’t and this last year has proven that to me.
Almost nothing has gone as I expected it to and in some ways it has felt like me against the world.
That is not a position or feeling I ever wanted nor expected to have now because it feels and sounds quite childish to me,.
But on the verge of a new year it is something I share online because I am unable to do so in person.
Maybe that will change and maybe it won’t, I can’t say either way. In part because I can’t say who I’ll get face-to-face time with and what I will or won’t be willing to discuss.
Half of my immediate family have asked if I am congested or if I feel like I am struggling to breathe and every time they ask I look cross-eyed at them.
“Dad, you snore louder than anyone and you breathe so loudly. Do you feel ok?”
I laugh and say I feel fine and there is no subterfuge or duplicity involved. I feel pretty good, not as good as I did at 25 but pretty good.
There hasn’t been time to hit the gym to lift the way I want to but six out of seven days I have put my 5 miles of walking in.
I have done it consistently in weather that has ranged from 80 something to over a 100 with a decent amount of humidity.
And I have done it with a stress level that has been exorbitant.
But I have made a point to be conscious of who I am today and not who I was in 1995. I have been diligent about working towards regaining that form and about being smart about it.
“Daughter, do you know that I am famous for my snoring? When I was a swimmer in high school I snored. When I was a skinnier guy in college I snored. So I don’t think anything of it nor am I aware of breathing any harder or louder now than normal.”
Sometimes I wonder if the time apart made them forget and sometimes I wonder if maybe I am louder now.
What Is & What Shall Be
People tell me to focus on what is and not worry about what shall be.
They say I need to pay attention to this and that and to not chase ghosts or run into burning buildings and I nod my head.
Those who know me best say they know I am going to follow wherever my gut leads and ask me to take care. They say to pay attention to what is and I say I always do.
It is not a lie, I pay very close attention to what is but I know that if we want to get to what shall be we have to work for it.
We can’t just sit back and pretend it will happen or let others do the work for us. Inertia will keep many from taking a shot and fear will foil others.
Fear is the primary source of my biggest regrets and I only have a few.
Doesn’t matter how many times I share quotes or comments about not having recognized opportunity because though that has happened it never was really what kept me from taking action.
It was worry and concern about what happened if the choice I made blew up in my face. What happened then.
And now those few regrets, well some are things I have accepted and some are things I haven’t.
Some clink and clank inside my head and push me to chase down other opportunities to correct and or rectify them.
Better to try and fail than fail to try.
Don’t ask for a list because you either know or you don’t and if you don’t you are unlikely to need to know.
What Comes Next
I have set things in motion that have a variety of songs playing inside my head.
Sometimes it is The Ecstasy of the The Gold and sometimes it is the theme to The Magnificent Seven.
Last year I spent Rosh Hashnah and Yom Kippur on my own.
I followed that up with my own Thanksgiving, Pesach, birthday and Father’s Day.
Since I usually am quite comfortable alone I was surprised at how much I disliked being by myself on those days.
Things happened on a couple of those that accentuated my being apart and made me extra conscious of being on my own.
Given the same information and circumstances I would do it all again because I am convinced it was necessary and it will lead to better things, but it wasn’t easy.
There were moments where I felt my heart being shredded and I questioned whether I was an idiot or not.
Sometimes the only way to improve things is to walk through hell and keep going until you get to the other side.
I don’t know what comes next and I won’t tell you what I hope or expect because the superstitious part of me says not to and there are uninvited readers who show up in public and private blogs.
Truth is I don’t really care whether dumbasses know my thoughts but since they show such interest I appreciate keeping them in the dark about some things. Let them find out after the fact.
Dig a little deeper and push a little harder–that is what comes at the end of this year and the beginning of the coming.
I think I might have discovered a new vein to mine for my writing but won’t know unless I go for it.
Every time I have felt this surge of energy in the past it has led to good things so I am going for it again.
Guess we’ll find out whether it works or fails.