Hadn’t planned on writing anything else this weekend, figured I would take some time to myself but things happened.
Woke up this morning and remembered a significant part of a dream and alluded to it on Facebook as the ballad of Spanky Redcheeks.
Figured if the story hit me hard enough in my sleep that I remembered upon awaking I ought to think about putting pen to paper because clearly my mind is pushing for it to be told.
Cup of coffee in hand, I looked out the window and thought about whether Dreams, Wishes and Realities had pushed it to the surface but epiphany escaped me.
That is fitting because for a long time I have been given the blessing of dealing with situations in which I have been told by others how life is to be but never have gotten instructions as to how things came to be.
Can’t see nothin’ in front of me
Can’t see nothin’ coming up behind
I make my way through this darkness
I can’t feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I’ve gone
How far I’ve gone, how high I’ve climbed
On my back’s a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile line
The Rising- Bruce Springsteen
Sometimes Life Is Messy
Some of these moments have been exceptionally hard for me. I’d describe them as heartbreaking and I have done my best to move on past them.
Can’t wallow or let the actions of others be the reason why you do or don’t live your life
The funny thing to me about it all is I have been certain the other people didn’t really want to do as they did, especially as I believed they acted against their own self interest and desire.
My ego always wanted me to make them say I was right but I never pushed for it because sometimes life is messy and I doubted I would get an honest answer.
Maybe someday, but not that day.
Anyhoo, the joy of life is never knowing for certain whether some things would work as you hope, expected or wished they would because without going down the road you can’t know.
So I did my best to have a productive day and get through some of the key actions on my To-D0 list and feel pretty good about it.
Stopped around 6 or so and tried cooking some Popovers.
They were pretty tasty and I played around with offering to share but just didn’t do it.
No good reason other than just because.
And then it occurred to me again that some of the questions I have had might be rooted in the same decision making as I had engaged in today.
Just because.
Moments And Opportunities
A certain teenager accused me a while back of having created a particular situation solely for my own welfare and interest.
Said teenager moved his father into a place where dear old dad told the teenager that he had passed on some of the biggest dreams of his life for his children.
And then dear old dad surprised himself by not putting his fist through every wall in the house.
Two days later the old man was still filled with rage about this because he knew the beating he had taken and what he had given up.
It was tied into one of the biggest regrets of his life but sometimes life is messy and you do your best to move on.
*****
I think the teenager has a better and more complete understanding of some things and I know what was said wasn’t intended to set me off the way it did.
Hell, part of me felt pretty good about it because the tone deaf approach showed the teen hadn’t been aware of just how dire some things had been.
So if the mission was to protect the children it was accomplished.
But enough time had passed for me to think again about what had taken place and to make a solemn promise to myself to look for the moments and opportunity of the future.
Music Break
- Do You Feel Like We Do– Peter Frampton
- Visions Of Paradise– Mick Jagger
- Brilliant Disguise– Bruce Springsteen
- Centerfold– J. Geils Band
- I Wanna Be Your Man– The Rolling Stones
- Tougher Than The Rest– Bruce Springsteen
- Put A Little Love In Your Heart– Jackie Deshannon
- The Prisoner– Iron Maiden
Guardian Angels
Fear drives people, far more than most of want to admit.
Sometimes we don’t make changes or take risks because inertia holds us in place but more often than not fear is what keeps in place.
Sitting here in my new dining room I dream about Thunder Road and wonder if I am not still on it because of fear, luck or both.
Maybe it is because the guardian angels I said don’t exist are better at protecting me than I realize.
Or maybe they are asleep at the wheel and the crap that has been flung at me keeps coming because they suck at their jobs.
*****
Got a call from my little sister and found out the rabbi who was supposed to officiate at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah died in his sleep.
It was unexpected.
Just a few weeks ago she told me about how her former housekeeper died from cancer, I think she was all of 36 or something.
Had three kids who now no longer have a mother.
I know other stories and know that it truly can be worst and that my story isn’t as bad as others.
I am grateful for that but gratitude doesn’t preclude me from being concerned, sad or angry about other things.
It doesn’t mean I can’t feel what I am feeling or that I shouldn’t work on telling stories and finding ways to get the answers to the hard questions.
So I’ll do as I do and remember sometimes life is messy.
