Days Of Uncertainty & Joy

One day I might laugh about this time and tell you how I moved out of a one bedroom apartment into a three bedroom house over a four day period and still had time to fly back to LA for a Bat Mitzvah.

I’ll tell you about running three flights of stairs with my arms filled with stuff and how the three movers I hired to empty the Grapevine storage space I rented asked if I was really 48.

We’ll laugh about how I beat back a fever, caught Pink Eye and beat that sucker back before pictures and the Bat Mitzvah.

I’ll tell you it was a true display of force of will and wonder how I didn’t collapse from exhaustion.

What you won’t hear are the two or three stories that about stuff that I can’t share here but can’t allow myself to forget.

The things that made me wonder if there is/was some higher power that was determined to test me.

Things that made me want to howl with anger and frustration because it is like fighting a damn hydra and every head I cut off turns into five more.

And then you’ll see my eyes light up and talk about a little girl who walked upon water and did an incredible job.

Every time I think of her smile and the pure joy radiating from her…well it makes it all worthwhile.

Days Of Uncertainty & Joy

I am dancing in the damn fire, wondering how I keep going and when things won’t be so damn difficult.

Back home in California for a few more days, thinking about how strange it is to come back and not go to the house I grew up in.

The place my parents owned for 40 or so years was sold last year and it just feels strange to know someone else is sleeping, eating, celebrating and living in my place.

I drove by it and had to remind myself not to pull into the driveway or park on the street.

Stared at the strange car and speedboat and remembered people, places and things but kept those to myself because those who might be interested in hearing those tales aren’t around to ask.

Thought about how fucking crazy life has and is and wondered again how I could feel so damn comfortable here and yet feel like a stranger.

Some things aren’t quite right and there is going to be a reckoning. There is going to be a time when I am going to straighten some people out.

And if that doesn’t work, well it will be time to take out the scalpel and cut them loose because I have had about enough.

Life is too short and too hard to not get the kind of support from them that I need or that I give.

Sometimes it is ok for it to be off kilter and sometimes it is just not.

Given these days of joy and uncertainty it is just how it has to be for me. I either know I can do it certain things for some people forever or I don’t.

And if I don’t know, if I don’t feel it in my gut well then I have to take action.

Chaos And Clay

It is a time of chaos and clay.

A time when I know if I am given a little time and some opportunity I can mold and move things.

I can take it and turn it into something meaningful, magical and majestic.

One little spark can be turned into a flame that will burn so very bright and beautiful.

Can’t say for certain that the opportunity will come or that I’ll get the moment I seek. All I can do is watch and wait.

Do my best to be ready to move quickly and hope that the move goes as I wish..

My gut says it will happen and that it will be sooner than later but that damn gut has been wrong, so who the hell knows.

But I am going to keep my fingers crossed and do my best to turn water into wine.

I am going to do my best to take the second worst Father’s Day and some of the other assorted chaos and make something of it.

I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t work, but I’ll know I tried and I can usually live with that. Better to try and fail than fail to try.

That failure is what irks me more than anything. I hate looking at unfulfilled potential and to know it is like that because someone just wouldn’t take a chance.

That is much harder for me to accept than to try and fail.

Got to be true to myself, got to do the things that helps my heart feel full and make my soul sing.

What a crazy, amazing time.

A magic moment, an eye in the storm and a girl who radiates joy.

Proof that I did something right.

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