There are moments where the song starts playing inside my head and all I hear are the same four lines over and over.
Boy, you’re going to carry that weight,
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you’re going to carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Sometimes it is followed by its colleague and close friend and I hear these words,
Oh yeah, all right
Are you going to be in my dreams
Tonight?
You might wonder if those moments lead straight into Her Majesty, but I don’t have a belly full of wine so you don’t get to find out.
Hell, you don’t get to find out many things regardless of how much wine, beer or hard stuff I consume.
Some find it hard to believe and say a big mouth like mine spouts quite a bit, but I say sometimes you only see what I want you to see and that sometimes I am blind.
The Wolf Pack
Sometimes the kids talk about the moment when they and their cousins were insulted by a woman and how their aunt and I politely explained what she could do and where she could go.
My daughter says it is when she discovered her aunt, my younger sister had more Wilner blood inside than she knew.
I laughed when she said it and told her that was kind of funny and my daughter scrunched up her face and said I probably made her kind of mean.
When I asked why she said she knew I was a good dad but probably a mean older brother.
That made me laugh again.
****
In the time that has passed the kids have told their mother and I that they know we’ll always protect them.
Sometimes that includes the caveat, “we know mom will look out for us, but she isn’t as crazy as you are dad…or Aunt Jennifer.”
I always smile and take credit for making Aunt Jennifer into the tough aunt she is today.
Considering she is recovering from surgery she ought to thank me again for that because knee surgery is never fun and I trained her well.
I’d tell her myself but she is probably asleep now but according to the older sibling code of 1782 I am granted license to share that information with her tomorrow or at any other time of my choosing.
Anyhoo I think of these things and remember that people don’t always tell you what is going on, even when they know you’d take the bullet for them or jump in front of the bus.
There Is No Upside To Guilt
Some people have told me I ought to feel ashamed or guilty about some things but it is rare that I do about the stuff they say I should.
Maybe it is because I don’t wear sweaters just because other people are cold or jump every time there is a bump in the night.
That is not to say I don’t ever feel guilty or bad about things because I do.
There is no real upside to guilt, especially that which is pushed solely because it fits some moral code that isn’t based upon any sensibilities I can follow.
Still, there are those things where guilt has a significant impact and that weight is noticeable.
It feels like a giant ball-and-chain given by the silent sentinels we call regrets.
*****
I have been dragging a couple monster sized balls around for a while now and have been searching for a way to rid myself of them.
Though I am built for heavy lifting and have the temperament and frame to manage it the burden is wearing.
A short time ago I had a conversation about it with someone who knows it well. I painted a clear picture of the intimate relationship and knowledge and was told I understand…some of it.
It didn’t take long for me to realize the end is still a ways off so I took a deep breath and prepared to go back into the breach again.
Miles Above You
The crackle of a needle on vinyl floats through my head again and the words start flowing.
When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
Helter Skelter feels so very apt for this moment.
Life is moving at warp speed and I have so many questions but no time to stop and search for the answers.
Part of me wonders what would happen if I just stepped off of the ride and refused to move forward.
Thing is, I won’t because the consequences of not landing on my feet would be severe and the thing is, I feel like I know enough.
Enough to manage and to find a way through the crazy corn maze in front of me.
That is in spite of the guilt of not having done more earlier to have possibly helped head some things off.
Most of the time it is not the sort of cloak I wear but every now and then it finds a way to envelop me in it is unsought for embrace.
There is no way to go back in time to or to say what could have been had I just done this or that.
But I still find myself whispering, “I would have taken the bullet.”
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