The talking heads and know-it-alls spew out their platitudes and tell us not to worry because it is always darkest before the dawn.
It is one of those things they say to someone who is going through a really rough time when you don’t know what else to say.
Maybe it is the right thing, the smart thing and the wise thing or maybe it is the dumb thing.
I don’t really know, but then again at this particular moment I am not sure if I know anything.
Off balance, uncentered and uncertain about how to help someone who refuses to let me I stand here wondering.
What now?
It Has Nothing To Do With Trump
Someone looked at my face and told me not to worry because Trump was going to be ok.
I thought about ripping their arm off at the shoulder and beating them over the head with it, all the while screaming “It has nothing to do with Trump!”
The inauguration of an unqualified conman to Toddler-in-Chief irritates me for a variety of reason but it is not why my stomach is on fire or why my heart is pounding.
No, the fire in the belly and cold fear comes from a different situation that cuts me to the quick because it feels like everything I have tried to do to help has failed and there is no room for failure here.
So I take deep breaths, walk for miles, read, work and write to try and gain some perspective here.
Because I need to see more clearly than I do because without clarity I cannot decipher the puzzle or know where to turn.
Fear wants to drive the bus and there is a harsh whisper that says I am responsible for all of this.
Except I know I am not responsible for all of this and that I have done the best I could.
“The best we could.”
It is another one of those platitudes we recite to make ourselves feel better or to help others feel better when things don’t go the right way.
Again I find myself not knowing what to say, but I turn inwards and make like Shakespeare and ask if I am being true to myself.
Go Forward
Can’t go back, can’t do it differently or change what once was but if I could it would happen.
If ever there was someone who has the determination and grit to do it I would be him.
Dumb enough and stubborn enough to keep going when it makes no sense is something I have excelled at, but again I can’t do it here because it is not about me.
He won’t let me and I won’t give up.
Won’t stop thinking, wondering and evaluating.
There has to be an opening, a way or an option. Has to be something I haven’t tried, considered or looked at.
Thing is, there are several but the obvious ones worry and maybe even scare me.
That is why I am sitting here now working on obtaining some much needed perspective because part of me is certain that we are as close to a breakthrough as we are to a serious falling out.
The hard part is I am not certain yet whether pushing forward or pulling back leads to the former or the latter.
So I draw upon the lessons learned from the pain of the past and use it to try and stay afloat. Thing is it feels a lot more like waterboarding than floating so it is not easy to do.
Magic 8 Ball
I often kid around about using the Magic 8 ball to help make some hard decisions.
Now is one of those moments where I wish I could rely upon it for real help because I am at a loss.
What worries me is that when I wake up tomorrow morning I’ll discover dawn is just as dark.
