The Kind Of Betrayal I Won’t Accept

There is a man on my screen talking about how guys over 40 can get into better shape.

He says it is tied into a second video in which he explains the importance of testosterone and its impact upon our ability to grow muscle.

Something about it rings false and irritates me and I wonder if the vein in my forehead is starting to bulge.

It is the one that one of my oldest friends says is my biggest tell.

“It showed up right before every fist fight I saw you have in high school. If I see it today I know you are in that place.”

The man in the video is supposedly a half a dozen years older than I am and certainly appears to be in better shape.

It is not hard to believe that he is older or in better shape because neither of those rank high on the difficulty scale.

What irritates me is the suggestion that a couple of shots of his magic juice will fix things, but that is not really what has the vein in my head moving or my fingers balling into fists.

It is a collection of slights, a thousand paper cuts and a refusal to just accept what is happening.

The Kind Of Betrayal I Won’t Accept

Don’t ask me to give you the time and date of when I noticed something was wrong because I don’t know it.

Chances are I blew it off as an anomaly and figured it wouldn’t happen again, except it did.

Nor can I tell you precisely when I looked in the mirror and accepted that something wasn’t right anymore because I haven’t really it accepted it now.

It is not because I am incapable of doing so but because I am unwilling to just give in.

Unwilling to say my body isn’t working the way I expect it to or that I can’t figure out how to adapt and overcome this thing called age.

But today the mutiny is particularly noticeable because my back hurts enough that I have taken ibuprofen throughout the day.

I am used to having a dysfunctional digestive system and for the most part have found ways to manage it, but this other stuff is…hard.

Don’t Lift That

I had two root canals done this past summer and then surgery to repair a hernia.

Doc told me that when I got to Texas I was not to lift anything heavy and to ask for help moving my stuff.

I said what is heavy and he said, “anything more than about ten pounds.”

So when I moved into a third floor unit I made dozens of trips up and down the stairs.

It was beyond frustrating because normally it would have taken half as long because I could have loaded myself up and just done it.

But I didn’t want to re-injure myself so I did my best to be safe about it…mostly.

There might have been a time or two where I carried more than I was supposed to but I wasn’t about to ask for help when I had knowingly placed myself in this situation.

Besides, I figured I know my limits well enough not to push past them…too far.

“And you’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above”
Tunnel Of Love- Bruce Springsteen

I didn’t do a full six miles yesterday because I was tired and it was cold.

Nor did I hit the gym to do any lifting.

That is because I felt a funny twinge the other day and figured I’d take a day or two off just to be safe.

So I ask myself why I woke up on the third day with a back spasm and a knot that doesn’t want to roll itself out.

It is a unacceptable betrayal and I have been trying my best to take Bruce’s advice and rise above it by determining what limitations I have to accept and what I don’t.

Makes me wonder what would happen if I visited Stonehenge. Would I hear the echoes of the ancient Druids voices reaching into the present, and if so, would I gain some hidden knowledge.

Questions & Answers

The discomfort from the knot in my back doesn’t lend itself to being patient and tolerant of some things.

This isn’t the kinder, gentler Josh who is willing to settle down and just accept this crap.

Nah, this is the guy who figures he is going to walk the damn knot to death.

Might as well go see if I can spot any stars in the evening sky and figure out if I can come up with my own brand of snake oil.

I almost never wear the damn Peacoat so it might as well get some use.

Can’t hurt to get some exercise because the one thing that clearly will help stave off this almost middle aged mutiny is exercise.

P.S. Remind me to take some Windex to that bathroom mirror, it doesn’t look all that good, now does it.