I’d prefer to be writing about delis and comfort food but sometimes life requires we go a different direction.
Instead I am stuck hearing All I Ask Of You from Phantom of The Opera and Reflections Of My Life by Marmalade floating through my head.
Had a very tough conversation today, wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last with someone important.
Went through the full gamut of emotions and wondered how the hell we ended up in this place.
The logical and rational part of me said it doesn’t matter how or why we got to this space because this is where we are for now.
I’ll Jump Into The Fire
We went back and forth about trust and I said I’ll jump in the fire, take the bullet and get hit by the bus without question, without thought and without regret.
Said it wasn’t bravado or because I have anything to prove because I don’t but because sometimes you need to say these things.
Sometimes you feel like you aren’t being heard and you have to find a way to break through it.
I know they listened but I can’t say for certain if they heard me and that is part of what troubles me.
I told them I won’t ever give up and that when it comes to some things you won’t find anyone more determined than I am.
There is a solution. There is a way forward.
Part of what makes me so crazy is this sense they are hanging over the side of a cliff and I have one of their hands in mine.
All they need to do is trust me and give me their other hand and I will pull them up.
But they have to trust me, they have to give me their free hand and they just won’t.
I keep doing what I can to try and encourage them to close their eyes and take that leap of faith, but it hasn’t happened yet.
That is what scares me.
I want to say they won’t fall on my watch, but what if they do. What happens then.
A Different Reality
Got the VP debate on and I am wondering if I should record it because the men are a great cure for insomnia.
Maybe it’s because I am distracted by other things but I am having trouble listening to them peck and poke at each other.
There is a moment midway through where I feel like Springsteen should wander through and start singing Atlantic City.
“Everything dies, baby, that’s a fact/ But maybe everything that dies someday comes back”
Springsteen doesn’t show up and I am left to think some more about how people want to be heard and seen.
The funny thing is as much as we might want it we usually are unwilling to truly let most if any see and hear us.
It is not a regular part of conversation, but if people ask me what is important in a partner I tell them to find someone who they let see and hear them.
I tell them about how years ago I came across this astrology compatibility report that talked about how some people are the kind of match where you instinctively know what the other needs.
One of those matches where two are greater than one and together you find the answers that you can’t separately.
Now you can tell me that is ridiculous because it is not based on science or you can say it is a sensible person to look for and that if you find them you ought to pay attention.
What We See
The debate is over and I am wondering how long it will take for people to start arguing about who won and what sort of crazy conspiracy theories they’ll come up with.
Meanwhile I am lost in thought about other things and feeling torn because part of me is certain everything is going to work out.
Sometimes I can live with that and sometimes I want to scream things work out because someone makes sure they work out.
Two snorts of Scotch and a sniff of Tequila later I am back at the computer writing.
I’ll give myself a few minutes to listen to some quiet music and then walk to the gym because there are weights that need to be thrown around.
Exercise won’t fix everything but it is still the best solution I have found for the occasional painful moments.
Sometimes people just want to be heard and seen.