You Need A Woman

It is a lazy weekend afternoon and I am absentmindedly wandering through a furniture store.

The music in the background has a been a mix of Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow, The Rolling Stones and Guns N’ Roses.

The Neil and Barry songs take me back to childhood and remind me of being dragged through Fedco, Gemco and Sears.

But Guns N’ Roses, that is college and part of me is taken aback because it surely they can’t think it’s music old people listen to.

My train of thought is derailed by the sales woman who wants me to know this leather couch comes in different colors.

“Ok. I’ll keep that in mind. I am trying to figure out if it would fit and what other pieces I need to go with it.”

While everything I have said is technically true I am not here to purchase anything today, I am only looking.

“Sir, you know what really helps is bringing a lady friend or someone who is special to you. A woman who is familiar with your home would be quite helpful.”

Trump Comes Shopping

She doesn’t know me so she doesn’t recognize the twinkle in my eye is a signal that she has gotten the attention of the mischievous side of me.

That curved lip smile doesn’t necessarily indicate what she think it might.

Sometimes it means that trouble is coming and sometimes something else. Life is too short to be serious all the time.

“Sir, there is a nice table and love seat that compliment the sofa you are looking at.”

I turn my head to see what she is pointing at and tell her it looks like something Donald Trump would own and that is not my style.

A portly man who is shopping nearby says he thinks I should reconsider.

“Why wouldn’t you want to have the same taste as our next president?”

I smile and tell him it is because I am not a fan of a man who talks a lot but has no plan.

“Sir, I respectfully disagree. Don’t let the mainstream media fool you with their anti-Trump liberal agenda.”

I nod my head and tell him it is probably not a good idea to talk politics with me.

“If I supported a crook I might feel the same way.”

“Well if you support Trump you might be doing that. You are definitely supporting someone who is beloved by nazis and whites supremacists and someone who is a failed businessman. You know without daddy’s money we’d have no idea who he was.”

Before he can respond I look at him, smile and tell him it was nice speaking with him and walk away.


You Need A Woman

The sales lady takes it all in and follows me to a different part of the store.

“I am very sorry for that. I thought you handled yourself nicely.”

I don’t have a clue whether she means it or is saying it because she is flustered so I just smile and thank her.

“Can you tell me a little bit about the home you are trying to furnish. I can be of more assistance that way.”

I tell her I live in a typical man cave and that I am just looking to make it feel a bit more homelike.

She surprises me by suggesting again that it should bring a woman shopping with me.

I can’t decide if she is saying this because of her age or if I am have a sign on my back that says I need special help.

“I think it is probably best if I just look by myself for a bit, I’ll let you know if I need any help.”

She says ok and I wander off only to stumble across the portly guy again.

He glares at me and I smile back.

I know he has spent the last few minutes trying to come up with the perfect comeback but I am not going to engage with him.

Silence is my friend and sometimes it is far more powerful than words. Let him fester.

The saleswoman must be worried she is going to lose a sale because she is never more than 10 feet away from me and I am tempted to ask her if the store provides tracking skills.

“Look down at the floor and match the impressions in the carpet with the bottom of the shoe and you can not only follow but catch the elusive Texas shopper.”

I choose silence and keep walking towards the front. I have had enough shopping for the day and find my cave comfortable enough to remain couch free for a little bit longer.

As I reach for the door handle I feel a solid bump in the side.

The portly guy has decided he has to leave now as well and has chosen to force his way by me.

As he exits he turns to stare at me, a big smirk across his face.

“Guess you played your Trump card there, now didn’t you.”

I’d tell you what he said but I was too busy walking and smiling to listen to him sputter.

Later on I thought about whether I should have yelled “you need a woman.”

It probably would have only been funny to me, but I didn’t so we chalk it up to one more thing that I never did.

Good thing it is not on the bucket list huh. 😉

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