I am somewhere between exhausted and whatever comes afterwards which is why I can’t come up with a proper adjective to describe this level of fatigue.
It is a Frankenstein’s monsters mix of physical, mental and emotional that has embraced me and the only thing I can think to do is stop moving for a moment.
Instead of packing my stuff or creating more piles of things to giveaway I am back here at the computer writing down these thoughts.
Can’t tell if you if they are for posterity or simply to clear my mind and I don’t really care.
At the moment I need the time and I am going to take it where I can because this moment will turn into the one where there is no chance to stop and look around.
The hard part about growing older is recognizing how much more I could do physically just a short time ago.
Two sleeps, a head shake and a blink ago I was 22 and I didn’t think about how sore I might be the next day or wonder if the bruise on my arm would be there the next morning.
At 47 these thoughts cross my mind more than once and though the will is strong enough to overcome the few cries of the body there is a growing awareness.
A reminder to pace myself a little bit in ways I never used to so that I can maintain productivity at the level I wish to.
And there is the question in my mind about what happens if I take the time to focus upon slowing the clock down.
Because there is a voice inside my head that says if I am willing to put the work in I can stave off middle age a little bit longer and set things up so the next chapters of life are easier.
It is the real reason why I have been listening to those voices because when I do I find that good things come from it.
Giant Bursts of Energy
That has been my preferred method of working for as long as I can remember.
Giant bursts of energy.
I break up tasks into chunks and use giant bursts of energy to just get it done.
Through the years some have tried to convince me to work at a steady pace and though I have found some success I never get as much done as I do with the giant bursts of energy.
That experience serves as a framework I have used for trying to help my children manage their time.
It is the basis for trying to help them figure out what works for them so they can better understand how to be more effective in getting their work done.
They don’t always appreciate my particular methods of motivation but they don’t have the benefit of my experience either.
Hell when I was their age Tolstoy’s quote was just something one of my teacher’s shared but today it has meaning to me.
The Beauty Of Moving
Speaking of today it is hard to appreciate the beauty of moving because it feels like work without purpose.
That is what happens when you have 20 years or so of stuff you have collected with another and you have to sort through it.
Or rather it is how it feels when you have sorted through it multiple times and you realize how much stuff you must have had before you got rid of so much.
Yet having disposed of so much you find there is still so much more and you wonder if some piles have found a way to reproduce.
Call it silly or strange coincidence but I placed the box with the Kama Sutra book on the floor by itself yet three hours later it was on top of another box.
Not only that there were three new boxes besides it.
So I shrink wrapped the damn thing and walked away figuring this time I didn’t care if it had a good time because there wouldn’t be any new boxes to move.
Anyhoo we are getting rid of most of the furniture and continuing to shed items that no longer serve our needs.
That which seemed necessary 20 years ago no longer seems important today.
Perhaps the real beauty in moving comes from the opportunity to reinvent and redefine ourselves.
It is good for the children to see we can honor who we once were with memories and not with every item that we once used.