I am a 46 year-old father typing on an old HP laptop while listening to Bob Dylan sing Tangled Up In Blue.
Clad in my finest pajamas, t-shirt and sweatpants if you must know, I am asking the age old question every dad has asked, how do I best protect my family.
Should I invest in plastics, mutual funds, stocks or bonds?
Do I need to build a castle and equip it with a drawbridge, moat and armed guards?
Perhaps I should do more than think about becoming an expert at some form of martial arts, maybe I ought to go live with some Shaolin Monks and become a Kung-Fu Master.
Hell I already have the grip, give me the Kung-Fu and some additional training and I’ll be even deadlier than the GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip the kids in the old neighborhood used to brag about owning.
I Don’t Appreciate Your Sarcasm
There is a post floating around Facebook that was written by a man who asks people to respect his right to own a gun.
He says that he doesn’t want to die a victim and that if someone were to pull a rifle in a store he’d be willing to pull his gun and protect us.
Well, he thinks he would. He says he might freeze or piss his pants, he is not really sure.
The few times I have seen it I have said that if a gun wielding person attacked the grocery store when I was there they would be in serious danger.
Because you have never met a man who is more capable of defending himself and others with a Kosher salami, watermelon and canned goods.
Ask the boy who fell off of his bicycle because I knocked him off with a peach.
Sorry mom, it is true. I was around 12 and I threw that peach at his head and he fell. I know, it is nothing to be proud of but I nailed him from 30 feet away.
I’m a hell of a lot stronger now than I was at 12, imagine what I could do now. Hell, I can confirm I can throw watermelons and cantaloupes (college was great for learning) and I am not afraid to beat someone with processed meat.
Anyhoo, I digress.
Someone told me they didn’t appreciate my response and said that my sarcasm was unnecessary. I told them I am not anti-gun but I am concerned about the guy who says he thinks he’ll pull his gun, but might freeze or wet his pants.
Should I Buy A Gun?
Don’t mistake my silliness and snark for not taking this seriously or paint me as against gun ownership because you would be wrong.
I am hawkish by nature, Roosevelt’s “speak softly and carry a big stick” appeals to me.
Experience has taught and proven that if you punch me I will punch you back.
The difference between now and then, is I would really prefer not to be hit, takes too damn long to recover and I have no interest in being arrested or sued.
If you mess with my family all bets are off and you better believe I don’t have any questions about what I am willing to do there.
But I don’t have any real desire to find out what I would do if I was put into a situation where I had to worry about being shot.
Don’t need to find out if I am the guy who becomes the hero or the man who freezes. I am confident enough in my own masculinity.
However, none of that answers the question of should I buy a gun or am I interested in owning one.
The answer is I haven’t decided if I really want or need one. There are lots of baseball bats around the house and a couple in the trunk with my car.
Have You Ever Shot A Gun?
Yeah, I have gone shooting at the range before.
It was a hell of a lot of fun and I enjoyed it. I’d definitely do it again.
Regardless of whether I ever buy a gun I am certain I am going to spend some more time at the range and get more training on how to shoot.
Can’t hurt to know more and become better. It is just another skill to add to my skill set, would probably make good blog fodder too.
Guns & Children
For a long time I never thought twice about owning a gun because I had young children at home and I just didn’t want to worry about it.
But now they are older and I don’t have some of the same concerns I used to have.
I have thought about having the kids learn how to shoot too and wondered if that would be of benefit to them.
Although if you ask me about what skills I’d like to them to learn and develop I’d pick martial arts long before I picked shooting.
It is a great way to build self-confidence and stay in shape.
My son took Krav-Maga for several years and then gave it up. I like for him and my daughter to take it back up.
The skills and benefits that come along with that have greater utility and practical application for daily life.
Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door
Dylan is singing about Knockin On Heaven’s Door and I am thinking about the different covers I have heard.
Clapton was alright and I like the Guns N’ Roses version but I still prefer Dylan.
Still haven’t decided if I should buy a gun but I am still unimpressed with the post this other fellow wrote about why he wants to carry his on him at all times.
One of these days maybe we’ll reach a middle ground where we start talking about it all and stop screaming at the other side because they have a different opinion.
The truth out there, probably somewhere in the middle.
Just remember never to challenge me when I have access to cans, fruit and processed meat. You really don’t want to be the guy that has to admit he was knocked out by a salami and a watermelon.