I don’t know about you but I must receive close to 1,982,323 emails from kind-hearted souls who write me because they understand I have the gumption and wherewithal to help them secure their fortunes.
Sometimes the emails come soldiers in Iraq who say they have obtained millions of Saddam Hussein’s fortune and will split the money with me if I help smuggle it out for them.
Every now and then I respond to these emails and offer my assistance. A month or so ago I told a Sergeant Hamilton that I, Mamie Eisenhower would be glad to help him.
All he needed to do was make his way to Normandy and ask for Ike’s Flotilla and tell my skipper the honorable Jonas Grumby that I had authorized passage.
Sadly the good soldier never responded but I wasn’t concerned because I knew there would be another message in my inbox and sure enough I received the one below:
I am contacting you because I have need for your urgent cooperation. I am representing a family that has given me the mandate to help find a reasonable and profitable investment structure. They have just inherited huge fund from their predecessor, and they have agreed to invest this money in the next 5 years for more profit. I have been given authority to appoint a reliable international investor to invest this fund so I need to be sure that I can trust whoever I am presenting to the bank. I am working hand in hand with a financial expert/compliance officer who will guide us through a certified and legal process. The amount in question is Ј18.5 million GBP.
I want to present you as a foreign investor and authorize for the money to be moved to you in your country. You will be given full authority to handle the investment. I need someone I can trust and I need to be assured on my following concerns;
Can I trust you with the fund?
Can you keep a secret?
Can you help me find a good investment for the fund?
What areas of investment will you recommend?
What % share will you want to take for assisting me?
This is a very legal transaction and everything will be coordinated in black and white. The essence of secrecy cannot be underestimated because a lot of money is involved and you cannot trust anybody especially when it comes to this amount of money.
Let me know if we can work together.
I am not one to refuse to help others, especially when someone tells me I have access to millions of Great British Pounds Sterling.
So I sent the following response:
You have the good fortune to have reached a Master of Mishegoss. As a duly authorized officer of the court I am he who can help you invest this money in the safest and most profitable way. There are multiple ways of doing so but as a Master of Mishegoss and a Minister of Meshugah I have some very specific plans.
But before we can reach this place of mutual accord I must provide answers to the questions you posed.
Can I trust you with the fund? Only if you provide me with all of it. It is the only way to be truly effective.
Can you keep a secret? I can, will, am and have. I swear on my mother’s maiden name, Givemdadough that I can.
Can you help me find a good investment for the fund? Without question, hesitation or effort.
What areas of investment will you recommend? I normally charge $800 an hour for my time but for you I’ll provide a flat rate of $450 for a three hour consultation.
What % share will you want to take for assisting me? I believe we can settle on a lively fee of 18%.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to be a part of this very legal transaction. In my country we don’t say everything will be coordinated in black and white, rather we say Ebony and Ivory per the McCartney/Wonder financial act of the 1980s.
I look forward to hearing from you soon. I will consult with my legal team Shaggy, Scooby, Velma and Fred and ask them to start the appropriate paperwork today.
What information do you require to move ahead?
My new best friend wasted no time getting back in touch with me and I wondered if his/her English is/was good enough to recognize I was messing with them.
Here is what they said:
It was a great happiness seeing your response to the letter I sent to you. I want to let you know that I have concluded to work with you on this issue hoping that both of us will be able to work together in truth and in spirit. I will now give you more comprehensive details as regards to this issue.
My major concern is that you in receipt should not double-cross me at the conclusion of this transaction because the bank will handle with you but I will always be there to give you instruction on what to do or say at any given time until the conclusion of this transaction.
It is very important that you call me on my direct line +228-989-92-60 for further discussion and I will also appreciate if you will include your telephone Fax numbers in your next mail so that I can always reach you as I will.
I’ll confess to wanting to call the direct line just to see who would pick up but I decided the smartest course of action was not to do so.
It is probably worth mentioning the correspondence between us took place on an old email address that I rarely use. That being said I never forget that we leave digital crumbs all over the place.
From time to time I may respond to an email but I never click on links or provide personal details. That being said I have been known to provide some working numbers.
When I responded to my pal Smith.P I noted that even though I sent Warmer Regards their response remained simply warm and though I was disappointed not to get Warmest Regards I soldiered on.
It is customary when doing business in this country to present a gift. I wish to send you a signed photo of one of our great heroes, Mr. Vic Tayback the famous chef on Alice. If things go further I shall attempt to follow up by providing you with some of Flo’s famous grits.
If you wish to contact me please call me by the name use, Axel Foley. You can use the following contact information to reach me:
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
I look forward to hearing from you and to helping you increase your wealth.
Burning Up With Warm Regards,
JD, known as Axel Foley
Sadly my friend SmithP has gone dark and I haven’t heard from him/her. Guess I better accept that I am not going to become a millionaire over night. So much for my plans to buy a castle. 😉