It is probably a little late in the evening to pour myself a bigger glass of red wine and unusual because Scotch is a more common choice but it is the last Friday night of the year.
The final one before the Jewish New Year begins and the second since dad checked out which is a ridiculous euphemism for dying.
Maybe that has been on the back of my mind and part of why my workouts have been different. Maybe that is part of why I have been more focused on the brute strength part of lifting.
Not that it matters, I pulled 225 down today and cursed because I know I am close to a plateau and that once I get beyond it I’ll hit some really heavy weight again.
But it won’t bring him back, won’t fix the gaps in other places, make all of the rough stuff go away and that damn reaper won’t fight me.
Hell, I told Hades I’ll take him on any time and that when he loses I will pull not one, but five loved ones out of the underworld but the dude refused to answer.
You may say it is because he doesn’t exist and I’ll say he fears the wrath of an angry Wilner man. When we are truly engaged and motivated we can be single minded of purpose or some sort of rot like that.
Be sure to play some sort of epic music while reading it as it adds to the effect.
Who I Was
I stumbled across a website that provides background checks and came across a variety of pieces of information about me.
Some of it was horribly inaccurate such as saying that dad is 119. Given that he was 25.5 years older than I am it was disappointing to read that I am still working at 94.
I hope it is because I choose to and not because I have to.
It also provided links to places it says I lived and not all of those were accurate either but some were and it reminded me about who I was.
Made me think about a few people I have run into the last few years who asked me questions that made me shake my head because it was as if they forgot we haven’t seen each other in 25 years.
Much as I may kid around about some things I know I don’t look like I once did. I am mostly ok with that because I have to be.
Not that I wouldn’t mind being able to wear my old jeans or have more hair, but I don’t base my sense of self worth on looking as if I am in my twenties.
The only reason I am interested at all is for health and even then it hasn’t been enough for me to completely change my diet.
Got to enjoy life and fuck if I haven’t earned my stripes.
I have been through hell more than once and sometimes wonder if I am passing through it. But even if I am I know I will come out that other side.
I am far too much of a pain-in-the-ass for Old Scratch to keep me around. I mess with everyone, but if I don’t like you and am trapped with you–well it gets interesting.
Cue a break for The Good, The Bad & The Ugly, dad and I never tired of watching it.
One Step Closer To What
The wine must be kicking in or someone turned off the air because it suddenly got very warm in here.
I can hear the echoes of the past and those of the future.
The site listed old addresses for here…in Texas and reminded me I have been here long enough to have made an impact and built a bit of a life.
I said I would be back and that I would make things happen. Some of you might take that literally and I understand why but you ought to know I see more than one piece of meaning in it.
Why?
Because I got pushed off of a cliff or maybe I fell and then I bounced off of rocks, bushes and thorns the whole way down.
The grandchildren think of grandpa as the fun loving guy who would do anything for them. They think of the guy who would gladly buy them candy, play with them and just laugh.
They didn’t know the guy who looked me in the eye and said “life is tough all over. Suck it up because you don’t get to lie down. You don’t get to quit.”
Dad could be a very hard man and I felt the weight of his shadow and expectations more than once.
So I climbed and clawed my way back. Probably would have done so anyway but he pissed me off and that provided extra motivation.
I don’t know if he intended to or not. It is very possible he didn’t, but he did and so I hit that wall with fire.
Doesn’t really matter one way or another, now does it.
Got a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that I might not otherwise have or so I tell myself. 🙂
Joshua Wilner September 30, 2019 at 10:39 pm
Hi Mitch,
It is nice to see you. I appreciate your time and your visit.
You’re right about living up to our standards, it is ultimately more important and more likely to make us feel better/worse about our production.
Apparently the damn video works fine on YouTube, but not here. Rats.
Mitch Mitchell September 30, 2019 at 5:58 pm
First, the video won’t play anymore because the person who uploaded it blocked it; must have got caught by YouTube or something.
Second, I sense the melancholy in this post; trust me, I’ve been there and sometimes I think I’m still there. Always remember that we can only live up to our own standards, not those of our parents. It’s nice wanting to try (sometimes), but life is different now than it used to be. I think the reality that you’ve written this long shows you’ve got the stuff to be as great as you want to be; heck, you’re probably already there. 🙂