Sometimes I post these links on Facebook ‘cuz I am trying to make sure more people hear about this joint and join in on the fun but I don’t think I’ll do that tonight.
I reserve the right to change my mind on this day, the 1,938th Independence day I have observed by myself.
If that sounds like I am bitter and or irritated I would say you have the correct read but there are multiple reasons and this isn’t the place to list them all.
Let’s just say if you continually leave me alone on holidays eventually you’ll find I don’t notice if you are not around anymore than you notice my absence.
And if you tell me I shouldn’t complain about a corrupt buffoon’s bad behavior and bad policies because your ignorance of the law, history and fact blind you from reality be certain I’ll let you know how misguided you are.
Am I on fire, pissed off or just my normal ornery self?
Can You Explain Yourself?
A woman who shall remain nameless asks me if I can explain myself and I nod my head.
“I am a fucking pirate and when I am not burying treasure, wenching, pillaging and or pirating I am sleeping. But I only sleep for a handful of hours at a time.”
“You sound like a very angry man.”
“It is better than being a poor facsimile of a human. Better than being an ignorant idiot who wraps themselves in religious mythology as if their fiction provides cover for immorality, assholery and general debauchery.”
“No one speaks to me this way.”
“That is the problem. No one is honest enough to tell you that you are a miserable bitch who gave up on free thinking and placed her brain in pasture.”
“I am going to call my husband and he is going to come kick your ass.”
“I have no fear of that.”
“Nah, won’t happen.”
“What makes you so cocky?”
“Any man that married you has been gelded and has the judgment of a dead goat. So you go ahead and call him. Call your father, brother, pastor and the holy fucking ghost because you’ll need all of them.”
“Wait, why are you walking away? I thought you are some kind of tough guy.”
“I never said I am a tough guy, but I am a bored guy and I am not interested in waiting to see if the guy you pay to sleep with you shows up. You win. I haven’t time to conduct an exorcism and can’t afford to call the Ghostbusters.”
What Did You Do?
A kid at the gym sees me reading the quote above and asks me if he can work in.
I look at him and point out the machine to my right is open and it is the same as the one I am sitting on.
It has only been about a minute since I finished my last set and there is almost no one in the place.
“I like the one you are using. I prefer it.”
“So you want me to move because you prefer this machine even though the one you are standing next to is exactly the same?”
“Yes, how soon can you move?”
“Three more sets soon.”
“Can’t you move now?”
“No, I am about to do another set.”
“Did you write that quote you were reading?”
“No, Hunter Thompson did.”
“Oh. You probably haven’t done anything live up to that quote.”
“What did you do?”
“I fucked a monkey in the back of an F-150 that my friend was driving while blindfolded.”
“That d0esn’t sound adventurous.”
“You have never been with an amorous chimp.They demand all you have and more.”
“What does amorous mean? No one speaks that way.”
“No one asks to work in when they don’t have to wait because the machine they want is open.”
“It is rude to sit on a machine someone wants if you are not using it.”
“I am a fucking pirate who fucked a monkey in the back of an F-150, do you think I am worried about being courteous.”
The Rockets Red Glare
It’s almost dark here so I am at the point where I have to decide if I am going to drink another beer and stand outside or drive somewhere to stand outside.
My gut feeling is to drink another beer and stand outside staring upwards. Usually I can see fireworks from several different shows without having to deal with crowds or parking.
Sometimes I just look up and laugh when the neighbors say they can’t see. I tell them to clean their glasses or to get their eyes checked.
Most of the time they nod their heads and agree but this one time one of them said it wasn’t nice to speak to people like that.
I shook my head and said nothing.
“You shouldn’t shake your head. You should apologize when for being rude.”
“I am a fucking pirate do you think I am worried about whether you think I am rude.”