Have Some Soda With Your Chunky Peanut Butter

The drive from downtown to Dallas to Frisco during rush hour is among the few that has felt similar to my time in Los Angeles.

But today was made worse because I was desperate to get news about a particular situation and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do but wait for a teleph0ne call or text.

Took a deep breath, reminded myself I have been in situations far more desperate and dire than this and mulled over making a couple of telephone calls.

You know the kind where you lay your cards on the table and ask for some assistance and then I remembered I don’t ask for help, or so I have been accused.

Thought for a moment about whether that is true or not and decided it is partially true but still wondered what sort of response I would get if I made the call.

Stories About Your Daughter

Flipped between Howard Stern, a couple books on tape and miscellaneous stations on Sirius and got caught by a conversation about The Notebook.

I saw the movie the last time I lived here and enjoyed it, probably because it was tied into one of those moments where everything feels like life is in sync.

The caller on whatever show I was listening to started babbling about how he tried to get some woman’s father to help him woo her and I laughed.

Why?

Because my grandfather told me a story about how a man complained to him once about dating one of my grandfather’s daughters.

“Mr. Silver, can you talk to your daughter on my behalf?”

Grandpa told me he wasn’t impressed by this man and that his request didn’t help.

“No. She is an adult and if she has no interest in you there is nothing I can do about it.”

Grandpa looked at me, smiled and said since I have a daughter I might be lucky enough to have a similar conversation.

I smiled back at him and said his great granddaughter wasn’t going to ever want to hear what happened if someone approached me about that.

He laughed and told me to wait until she was older.

“Your baby girl is too little for you to imagine her dating, but it will happen. And then you’ll need to take a different approach because she’ll let you know how unhappy she is with the style you are talking about now.

“Are you trying to tell me grandpa that she won’t want to hear the school call me to say ‘we heard stories about your daughter’s male suitors being hung from the goal posts Mr. Wilner and are going to have to ask you to cease and desist.”

Before grandpa could interject I told him I figured by the time she was 16 I could have a fully functional Alligator farm and that I was certain it would motivate boys to behave.

“I don’t know. I seem to recall you getting friendly with one of your friends in a way that suggests you wouldn’t have noticed an alligator.”

“Grandpa, that is different. I am alligator proof. I am far too mean and taste far too sour.”

He laughed and told me he didn’t expect to be around to see that, but hoped he was wrong.

Have Some Soda With Your Chunky Peanut Butter

My eldest walked 1o miles yesterday because he needed exercise and wanted to clear his head.

When a family member asked me if I was concerned about his extended walk I laughed.

“You do remember he used to be on the cross country team so the distance here isn’t a problem. He’ll be 19 in December and is almost my size and it is daylight.

The days of his being small enough to be scooped up and forced into a van are long ago and I am not going to walk around worried that someone is going to stick a gun in his face and force him into a van either.”

I remember the days when I would do my own version of a walkabout, generally involved a bike but sometimes not.

He had stuff to take care of and needed to get his mind straight so that he could do it.

I was more than a little proud of him when he took care of that particular business today, but I digress.

****

A few people have watched the interaction on Facebook and asked me if I am as picky an eater as I sound.

I laughed and offered to give them some soda to go with their chunky peanut butter. While there are a variety of things I don’t particularly enjoy the primary reason I won’t eat most foods I decline is concern about its interaction with my dysfunctional digestive system.

If item XYZ is going to send me in and out of the throne room I am going to be very selective about what I partake of because there is no point in accepting punishment if you don’t enjoy the experience that precedes it.

Typing The New Shoes Away

One of the multilevel marketers reached out a while ago and politely called me fat while pitching his particular snake oil as a panacea for my ills.

I thanked him for the insult and told him I didn’t expect to be able to fix some of the changes that come with age.

“I am not taking Rogaine or meds to regrow my hair. Don’t care enough. If people don’t like me this way, ‘fuck ’em.’

Been snoring my entire life. If I dropped all of the weight I need to I would probably still snore. Doc says with my build there is a good chance sleep apnea would be an issue.”

“But Josh, you know women don’t find that sexy.”

“My harem loves me anyway.”

“Harem? I am confused.”

“I have 17 wives and a three concubines, but only because I like the word concubine.”

“Josh,be serious here. I know how hard it is to lose weight and I did it.”

“You don’t know me very well. I am being friendly now and haven’t berated you for reading a script that is supposed to cover for you not knowing a fucking thing about medicine. You’re not a doctor and you have no medical training that I am aware of.

Am I mistaken?”

“No, I am not a doctor.”

“So you’re a layperson who was fed a bunch of information about a product you like because it worked for you. But you haven’t been a skinny person long enough to speak from experience about keeping the weight off and or any medical issues that might be tied into this.

Do I need to drop a few pounds?

Hell yeah. I know damn well that I do but I didn’t ask for your help because I don’t want your snake oil. I have my own plan and I am good with that. Do yourself a favor and don’t bother me with this again because I am the guy who will push back against nonsense.”

“Josh, I am just trying to help. You don’t need to threaten me.”

“Two things, I promised you I would make my displeasure known. That is not a threat, it is something you can rely upon.

I have the kind of resolve needed to follow through on things I care about and the courtesy not to call someone I barely know fat.”

****

It has been a long time since I got really excited about a new pair of shoes but I have reason to be happy about these.

That is because my old pair of sneakers were shot, or at least the support was. This new pair has been wonderful and made my time on the treadmill much easier.

I can longer and harder without my knees and back yapping at me.

And so exercise has become more fun again and I find my pants fitting a little bit better than they were.

Good things are happening, maybe not with the speed or ease they once did, but happening nonetheless.

This aging thing isn’t for the faint of heart, now is it.

****

One day soon I am going to have to do something about the writing. Going to have to make it the priority it ought to be again.

Been doing far more it, but need to adjust and refocus again–call it a moment to remind myself I could do so much more with it.

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