Mom brought fresh bagels from LA, momentarily curing my desire for a better bread than I had access to here in the Big D.
In less than 24 hours I had more carbs than I ate the entire week before or so it seems to me.
Got mixed emotions about that one because tonight I say goodbye to my forties and there is reason to say screw it, got to enjoy life a little bit.
Hit the gym hard knowing I wouldn’t put in enough time to cover all of the carbs but would still do enough to not feel…guilty.
Or maybe more accurately, not as guilty.
Ok, I am not someone that suffers much from guilt about trivial things, I save it for the big stuff and two bagels too many doesn’t qualify.
When I was younger I loved my birthday, it was always a big deal and always exciting but it didn’t stay like that.
There have been some during the last whatever length of time that have left me feeling frustrated that some things hadn’t gone as I had hoped and irritated that I was pissed off about nonsense.
I am not sure how I feel about turning fifty, sort of ambivalent and sort of grateful. Sort of sad, sort of angry and still quite happy.
It feels a bit like someone jumped me, tied me up, put a hood over my head and dumped me in the woods.
That feisty part of me says they made a mistake because we’re ready to go hunting.
It is time to be the baddest motherfucker in the valley and make them understand the better part of valor is learning to keep your hands to yourself.
Can’t be the apex predator all day every day anym0re, but once in a while for short bursts it can be done.
Hit the weights hard and stayed true to a quarter century of working out around my birthday and did low reps with heavy weights.
Wanted to call dad to tell him in some areas I can lift almost as much as I did in my early twenties, probably stronger in others but he won’t pick up the phone so I’ll just think it at him.
Stared up at the sky as I staggered back to the car, smiling at the old man I must look like and reminded myself to be kind and to accept change.
“Write a new story brother.”
Smiled again because I did that in multiple places and now I wait to see if the new ways work and prepare for whatever comes next.
Told my kids that part of turning 50 is simple, “don’t die” and “be thankful.”
Didn’t tell them how many people I have buried along the way because there are many. Some took their own lives and others had their lives taken.
I have a perfect record of beating every bad, awful and terrible day. That is worth something.
I have stumbled across some link bait lists that promise to provide 79 ways to increase traffic, status and notoriety.
“Follow my plan to be a better blogger and you can be like me. You can have 10,000 followers on Medium/Twitter whatever. And you can do it in less than the seven years I have been blogging.”
Some things never change with me.
Every time I see something like that I am tempted to write something snarky. Every time I see that I think about putting together what I have learned after 15 years of blogging.
I really do know a few things about this but my problem is I never want to play the reindeer games the way others do.
My refusal means fewer engagements and opportunities so I don’t get invited to partake and or participate the way I might otherwise d0.
Fewer people know me and among those who do I know that I am going to be more of an acquired taste. That doesn’t mean there won’t be fans who like my writing and naturally gravitate towards it because there are and there will be, but there will be others who can’t quite decide.
Others who will visit and find enough solid content to be willing to come back but not necessarily to follow closely.
I am confident I could change this as I could change many things, but there are choices we make and decisions we choose to live with.
For now I haven’t any desire to do much to alter that particular blogging path.
But other aspects of my life, well those aren’t chiseled in stone and changes will come.