Ten minutes post workout there is a tall glass of water and another two Ibuprofen because the left arm is tingling and occasionally wakes me up, which is funny ‘cuz it is numb.
Got a handful of other aches and pains but I am in no mood to slow down so we push and power through ‘cuz it is a time of change and a time of turmoil.
Had one 0f the worst dreams a father can have but woke up relatively calm cuz an old friend, dead and departed 20 some years ago made an appearance.
We spoke at length but I never thought to point out he still looked like he was 29 and I looked…almost 50.
Whatever he said worked its magic because things had happened in the dream I refuse to write about or say out loud, none by my hand, but done nonetheless.
I looked at the man and told him there is a song that feels appropriate for the moment and then we moved on to other things.
Don’t know if I asked if he had seen dad yet or whether I asked him to make sure the old man knew the ropes in the after life, but if I did I am sure I said something about protexia and probably mentioned all the Israeli shows I watch on Netflix.
One would hope if there is an afterlife that there is no need for but protexia who knows, the world and the universe can be a strange place.
Drained the water complete and took the pills like a pro, stared in the mirror and asked”will I see you tonight…heart breaker.”
Laughed again and told the guy in the mirror he was a master of tearing down walls and discovering he was somehow behind one again.
Young & Dumb
The four of them line up around the weights and or machine and yell at each other to do another rep. Scrawny boys who have the faint beginnings of carved muscles and six packs have started to create some chaos in the gym.
They are lined up right across from my treadmill and their shouting is loud enough I can hear them in spite of the music I am listening to. I glare at one and he elbows the guy on his right.
Together they meet my gaze and I figure within a minute I’ll see two more heads pop up and stare at me.
My intuition is right and I wish I could play a legal round of Wack-A-Mole. They’re young and dumb and not worth getting in trouble for so after a moment I look back at the screen and give them the victory they wanted.
Congrats lunk heads, the old man on the machine looked away first, hope it means something to you.
That was last week or maybe the day before yesterday, it is hard to remember exactly when this happened, but not hard to remember tonight.
Not hard to remember the one who didn’t move as I came through the door to the locker room or how he discovered it is never smart to put your scrawny ass in the way of a freight train.
I muttered sorry as I knocked him into the wall and said something about being old and clumsy. He muttered something and I said something about physics that went over his head.
What I wanted to say was that more than one person has complained about their inconsiderate behavior and that gaining a reputation as the gym assholes was a bad idea because this isn’t school.
But they are young and dumb an as the expression goes, not my monkeys, not my circus.
Which got me thinking briefly about what I would say to my monkey if I was to choose to be more open now, but now is not the time.
Favorite Places & Spaces
Heard a rumor about an upcoming trip to LA for people I know and sighed deeply cuz I would have liked to have been around to show why people sing the song.
Cuz when you are able to show off some of your favorite places and spaces with the personal insider touch that provides a chance to see the sights and appreciate the layers that eliminate the misconceptions and mischaracterizations it goes a long way.
Some times when I go back it feels like a man returning from exile and sometimes it feels like something else.
I am ready to go back for an unstructured visit where my time is more my own and I am not required to rush from place to space to place to attend to responsibility.
One day LA and I will get a chance to fall back in love again, don’t know that it means anything in particular, don’t know that it doesn’t.
I am not who I once was and who can say who I will be.
One of the guys asks what I plan on doing for my big birthday and I say I haven’t the foggiest idea.
“You had plans for a long time as to what you would do. What happened?”
“What plans are you talking about? I honestly don’t know what you are referring to.”
I don’t mention that for a long time I had plans. For a long time I had a couple of ideas/plans that I thought would come through and then life happened.
It is not something that I want to discuss. Not something that I want to rehash or review because there is no way to change it and even if I could I am not sure I would.
It is a strange moment we are walking through, a time I never anticipated or expected.
Something about it reminded me yet again about how many times dad said you couldn’t plan five years out with the kind of accuracy we wanted.
Five years from now I’ll turn 55 and have a daughter turning 20 and a son who will be 24.
That is crazy.
Five years ago I was 45, my daughter was 10 and my son 14.
The idea of them being old enough to live on their own was so foreign and now it is not.
One slip and it all changed.