You Destroyed Me But I Didn’t Break

I don’t know who Jeff Bezos is as a person but I can relate to a few things that don’t involve being a billionaire or starting a business in my garage.

What pray tell do I relate to?

His taking the fight to the people/company/entities that tried to blackmail him into doing as they wish he would. I can see how a man would come out of the secret world to go after those who tried to do them dirty and that is all I have to say about that particular thing.

But it does remind me of conversations had in cars while watching the police engage in slow speed car chases.

Reminds me of the importance of spending time with those who you can drop all pretense in front of and speak with the sort of naked honesty that we like to say we give to all but only share with one or two.

Moments where you might say something like you destroyed me but I didn’t break because you wanted to to stop walking around as if you were Atlas carrying the weight of the world upon your shoulders.

The Year We Didn’t Get

It is about a year since the old man went to the hospital to get checked out and discovered the foreign invaders had set up camp in a variety of places.

About a year since we held our breath, crossed our fingers and hoped surgery would be an option. When we found out it wouldn’t work I offered to watch some YouTube videos and use a laser, butter knife and tweezers to do the job myself.

Dad said he would pass and I told him that he shouldn’t buy the bullshit of the elites.

“Abba, don’t you know people with no experience but good intentions and high ethics can do anything. Education is overrated, all I need is to put my phone or computer next to me and I’ll be fine. I’ll draw an outline on the places I need to cut and it will be perfect.”

The old man said he’d pass and thanked me for not being a fucking idiot like so many others.

We talked for a while and then I called my sister to hear what the other docs told my BIL, the doc about what it all meant.

The news wasn’t good but I wasn’t ready to accept bad news because the docs had spent the last 14 years telling us to prepare ourselves. Hell, mom and dad hadn’t bothered to tell me that dad’s heart had stopped during a routine procedure five years earlier.

Wasn’t because they were trying to hide it, but because the old man was a collector of illnesses and none of them did more than slow him down slightly.

He still traveled. Still drove. Still lived.

So I figured we’d see if he would figure out how to beat cancer.

If you are new to this joint I’ll cut to the chase and state the obvious, there were no rabbits pulled out of any hats.

The oncologist told a nice tale about how many of his patients made it years and how he expected dad to be able to get several if not more…maybe.

I didn’t buy everything he said and figured it would be safer to be more conservative. Safer to hope for two years and to expect one.

Well that didn’t happen, we got around five or so months.

I thought about calling the doc so I could say ‘fuck you very much’ for not caring and for being a jerk but he wasn’t worth the time. Even if he had given me the opportunity to illustrate why he couldn’t label me as being angry solely because of grief it wasn’t something I would do.

Wouldn’t bring back dad and I am told that if I really start yelling I am very scary. I wouldn’t have taken a swing or broken anything but if the police had been called it would have become an incident.

There is no reason for that and really, he already has gotten more time on this page than he deserves.

A Story Worth Reading

Sometimes my doppleganger would get messages about the love story he wrote and requests for more chapters. Sometimes he would hear from a woman who said she read it to her disabled husband.

That is the kind of feedback every writer hopes to get, cue Lobo I’d Love You To Love Me or Cheap Trick I Want You To Want Me as background music.

I am told that is what people say about The Alchemist and that I ought to take the time to read it or at least listen to it in the car.

Heard about it for years, but still haven’t done either, not really sure why.

But I do like that quote because it is a puzzle piece that fits in an empty spot. It makes sense to me, I relate to it and I understand it on a different level than surface.

Reminds me of being told that I had a great name that someone had planned on using for their baby, except they didn’t.

“You were going to use it but didn’t. Um…Why not, what is wrong with it?”

“I had a girl.”

That is a solid reason.

Call me what you will, but I don’t want Joshua turned into a name that can be used for either gender. It is cool to use Jordan, Kim, Bailey 0r Corey, but let’s leave my name as it is.

Not that it matters what I think, society will go as it will with these things.


Someone told me they were worn out and I thought about offering to take them to Funkytown or maybe to Electric Avenue.

Didn’t tell them to turn the beat around or ask if Aunt Elaine could come do The Hustle with them because I was tired too.  Otherwise I might have turned on I Will Survive and watched an impromptu flash mob of women sing and dance to it.

You might think that is ridiculous but I have never seen it played without seeing that impromptu flash mob start. It is not as exciting as playing The Hokey Pokey or Bunny Hop because those get everyone going but it is still solid.

Sunset In My Neighborhood

Dad figured he moved about 11 times growing up which he said was a big part of why he and mom tried to keep us in one place. They did a pretty good job with that because we moved into the old house when I was short of three and they didn’t move until I was in my late forties.

I wasn’t able to emulate that part of my childhood so my kids have moved a bunch of times, not as many as me but enough for me to have promised my daughter she would graduate from her middle and high schools in Texas.

Thought about that a little bit today as I watched the sun go down in my neighborhood.

Been back her for 2.5 years and have no intention of leaving, but won’t say never either.

That’s because the one lesson that has been driven into me is life changes and you don’t always get much say in how or why.

So I am focused on spending time with people who make me happy and fill my soul. If you don’t do that you will be excised.

I suppose the good part of having been through so many moves and changes is I have gotten pretty good at just rolling with stuff. I know how to shift, pivot and reset.

Took a hard look at some of my investments today and smiled because I have rebuilt so much that I had lost, but know that without some significant luck it is going to be a long while before I can retire.

But as long as my health holds up relatively well I suppose that working for a while longer is ok with me.

And now cuz Friday nights are made for nonsense pretend I am Lou Rawls singing “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine” and then send me a thank you note for not hurting your ears. 😉

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