Too Many Clowns & Jokers

If we danced in the place the druids once roamed and let go of fear and held onto nothing but the internal compass I am confident there wouldn’t be any concern about the clowns to the left of us or jokers to the right.

No matter what Stealer’s Wheel says and I know this to be true as I know other things, because the fire in the belly burns brighter when I look inside and inquire about it.

It is disconcerting and discomforting to rely upon faith in this matter because there are ample reasons to question and verify the veracity of certain things.

Because you can say you take all and accept all and discover you made a mistake and then find reason to question your judgment elsewhere or if not question, rationalize why you mustn’t change things.

I know it because I did and have done it but in 2019 I have determined not to blindly do as I have done. I shall speak my mind and sometimes cause discomfort and those who wish to run or put their fingers in their ears because ignorance is bliss can do so.

The presidumb is a tool, a fool and feckless fop who causes chaos.

I said it before dad died and I’ll continue to say it and if you don’t like it or don’t like me, I have an assortment of words for you.

You can choose “fuck ’em, fuck off, too bad” or any sort of similar assortment.

If you wish to take my hand you can do so and maybe I’ll take yours in return or maybe I won’t.

Everything feels off kilter to me so you best think twice because I will center myself and only the brave will be willing to be a part of it.

Too Many Clowns & Jokers

The horses are running free and it is too late to try to put them back in the barn.

I am painfully aware of who supports me and who doesn’t. I know who I can lean upon and who I can’t and yet I generally choose not to because I don’t give that sort of trust easily.

Got to schedule more appointments with the docs and try to nail down a few things. Can’t decide if the things that feel wrong are real or imagined or how serious they might be.

I lean towards them being part of what happens when you reach this particular stage. There is a certain amount of wear and tear that defies you not to be aware.

Miscellaneous aches and pains present themselves and ask for my attention but very few are given much thought because almost fifty years of life experience says I can just push past.

But the few that make themselves known on a larger level sometimes manage to do what the others can’t. It angers me and sometimes I take measures to demonstrate who is in charge and who isn’t.

****

Sometimes I think about taking up running because I can see how it could be good tool for keeping weight off and blowing off steam.

But the jogging bores me and I think about my days as a competitive swimmer and how those longer swims bored me. I do better as a sprinter.

Every so often I go out and see how fast I can run.

Some days I smile because everything responds as it should and though I know I can’t quite do what I once did I can do enough to feel good.

Other days it just doesn’t work for me and I think about getting back in the pool because gravity doesn’t try to beat me up for having had the audacity to grow a bit older and heavier.

I can still glide through the water and if I push hard I can accomplish all that running offers in a way that will not only provide the same benefits but allow me to enjoy them longer.

That’s what a not very picky eater can do, among many other things.

Same Place But Different People

Sometimes you reconnect with people you lost touch with and discover you are in the same place but are very different people.

I have had the experience more than once, especially courtesy of Facebook. Sometimes I wonder who it is I was or they were and ask what made me think we ever had anything in common.

And then sometimes I see that while life has had its way with them it hasn’t extinguished the spark inside.

I recognize it and and them and understand whatever connected us before still exists and remind myself to be grateful for lasting friendship because some of those are rare.

In a time when the earth shakes under my feet and I see buildings swaying around me I am more appreciative of such things because I am confident that even if I decide to go live inside my cave for an extended period I can come out and know they’ll be around.

****

Not long ago I stopped speaking in the middle of a conversation and waited to see if they noticed I was silent.

They caught the fire in my expression and asked what was wrong. I quoted Simon &  Garfunkel’s The Sound Of Silence and refused to say any more.

People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening

The first line was what I am looking for and the second was in reference to what I felt was happening.

Eventually I shared that thought and was told it was an immature response, except it wasn’t the first time I had expressed irritation.

It is easy to ignore and accept certain foibles, but this isn’t one I do any more. If you continually and consistently interrupt me because you’re more interested in responding than listening we won’t have more conversations.

Got too many clowns and jokers in my life, don’t need, want or have to bring any more in.

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