Should I start by talking about the moment in Walk The Line when June screams at Johnny about his not being able to walk the line or go a more personal direction?
Because I sprinted out of Costco in Southlake and debated whether 121 would be faster than cutting through Grapevine on the way home cuz speed was of the essence.
Some of you may claim that almost middle aged men shouldn’t be able to leap over shopping carts in a pair of Dockers but the film from today would prove you wrong.
Got home in the nick of time and had an evening in which the restroom and I enjoyed the sort of intimacy I don’t share on first dates, also known as colonoscopy prep was less uncomfortable.
So I said to the dysfunctional digestive system if you are going to screw with me, I am going to give it right back and grabbed a snort of Scotch and almost went out for some Chicken Vindaloo…almost.
Took a few minutes to try to figure out what set me off and started with the moment last night that three words make my eyes bulge and my fucking head spin.
“Words we shared.”
Took a moment to recognize what set me off and a few more to shake it off, but I shook like a dog drying itself off and when I had finished the anger was replaced by irritation and nothing more.
A recognition that 4.5 months in I react more strongly to things that might not have otherwise set me off.
Stopped and thought about what role fear has played and considered the question, should we embrace the fear?
The answer is yes and overall I have done a pretty good job of it.
But that is in reference to more recent moments and times and not a referral a past when I should have done so more aggressively. Had I been smarter and bolder I would have done so, but I didn’t and so I find myself standing where I would rather not be.
Two teenagers and I have discussed, debated and at times battled about what this means and my assertion that what happens now doesn’t get to define or determine how the future will go.
They haven’t the life experience or ability to see as I do or understand the sacrifices made because 0f the aforementioned fear and the recognition that I have to say past choices were for the best so that my head really doesn’t explode.
This subjugation of personal desire and goals to better and improve life for our children comes at a cost with an uncertain return on the risk we take.
If anything came from the recent revelation by the younger about the school situation it is recognition that her old man doesn’t play when it comes to protecting her.
That was an unexpected but appreciated factoid. I had no reason not to believe it was understood, but it is reassuring to know she gets it, even if she felt the need to tell me not to freak out.
Which by the way are words you shouldn’t use if you want me to stay calm, especially if you don’t know me well. My natural reaction is not try to maintain a poker face and figure out the smart response but my BP probably spikes immediately.
Anyhoo, we have reached a point and place in time when circumstances have made it clear embracing the fear is a moral imperative and without question necessary.
Which is to say when I hear the bells continually go off I don’t ignore them. I answer because I can’t stomach not doing so.
Better to try and fail than to fail to try.
Cliches are often true, aren’t they.
Tonight I started getting a message that said XYZ has shared a post with you and a selection of their friends.
I got it a few times and wondered if XYZ had done so intentionally or if Facebook had come up with some new setting that had accidentally been turned on.
And I wondered if XYZ had shared posts with groups of people that I hadn’t been included in. I didn’t wonder the way people might do when they hear about a party everyone else was invited to that they weren’t because it didn’t feel that way to me.
It was curiosity, the same that drives me to sometimes ask a million questions about whatever has caught my eye.
The answers aren’t always of paramount importance but they are usually of some sort of interest.
I sometimes pick up dictionaries and encyclopedias and read them for fun. Never know what sort of useless trivia will become useful.
Lately I have been spending time watching YouTube videos on how to repair various appliances and household items.
The funny thing is since I am renting the house I am living in I won’t do as much as I am capable of doing primarily because I don’t want the landlord to decide I am liable for certain repairs and because of the time.
Time is the operative word and contradiction there.
If it is a repair I can do relatively easy and I don’t want to wait for the landlord to sent out a repairman I jump on it, but that line is blurry, awfully blurry.
I suppose old Al has the answer to the question of whether we should embrace the fear now doesn’t he.
And I suppose it is why some conversations need to be have probably sooner than later so that the continued evolution of people can move forward in whatever route it deigns to go in.
On a side note, I don’t think I have ever mentioned The White Stripes Icky Thump song here. If I am not mistaken it is about 11 years old and it has one section that really jumps out at me now.
It was appropriate then, but is more relevant now than ever.
What, nothin’ better to do?
Why don’t you kick yourself out?
You’re an immigrant tooWho’s usin’ who?
What should we do?
Well, you can’t be a pimp
And a prostitute too
Embrace the fear and roll with the change(s).