The First ‘Withouts’ Are Unwanted

The last candle on the 8th night of Chanukah 2018 just burned itself out and now there is no light for me to consider how unwanted the first ‘withouts’ are.

Been through one set of high holidays, one birthday, one Thanksgiving and now one Chanukah without dad and so goes the new normal.

Saw my old man in a dream last night, been a little while since he showed up but I suppose the tale of the antisemite and school brought him in.

If you want to determine how much fire burns within a parent threaten one of their children and see how they respond.

The old man told me to be smart and to take no prisoners. I nodded my head, asked him to hang out for a while and he shook his head.

I got a smile, a wave and then he walked away.

That was nice to see, been a long time since I saw him walk with such ease.

Running With The Moon Again

Dad retired at 59 1/2 and somewhere not long after got a personal trainer for a while. I thought about this during the middle of my workout today and came up with a few more questions for him.

Nothing real serious, just curiosity about a couple of things that will remain unanswered.

I wonder what I’ll be like in 10 years. I wonder if I’ll have accomplished all I have set out to do and if physically I’ll see the kind of results I am pushing for now.

My gut says yes and not just because I feel such positive changes going on now or because one of my biggest fears is not to have learned from his mistakes.

I have always been more active than he ever was and given the bonfire that burns within the belly I can’t imagine a time when I won’t need to shvitz to take some of that edge off.

Not to mention I can’t stomach the idea of not being able to physically take care of myself. I haven’t any doubt that I will handle whatever life throws out me but I am really hoping that it doesn’t give me any sort of genetic mishaps or accidents that take some of this out of my hands.

Good health is of paramount importance, mind and body.

In the interim we’re running with the moon, that inner wolf and I. Slipping the bonds and fetters that restrict pursuit of the more important and necessary things.

Social constructs can go to hell if needed, won’t be stopped because some people frown. No risk, no rewards and lots of regret.

Can’t do that.


Got into it with a guy who called me stupid for not believing as he did and just smiled at him.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I want to know.”

“Get used to disappointment.”

“So you don’t have anything to say, do you.”

“You can’t bait me into this. I am not one of the sheeple who gets my marching orders on how to think from a delusional man and his cellphone.”

The guy glares at me, tells me I am not just an asshole, but the biggest he has ever met.

“It hurts to realize you voted for a conman. Don’t blame your bad choices and bad behavior on me. Or go ahead if it makes you feel good, I won’t care or accept responsibility.”


Haven’t had a disagreement like that in a while, mostly because I have chosen not to engage, most of the time.

This guy caught my reaction to a news clip and started up. It was pretty clear that I didn’t like what I had seen/heard even if I hadn’t used words to say so.

So when he made a comment I responded a couple of times and well you got the gist of it. Craziest part of this is I know I can argue his side better than he can.

Guess that make me a little arrogant or maybe better educated and more well read.

Who knows. Doesn’t really matter much now does it.

Walk In The Fire or Dance

Been doing the dance intermixed with the walk and am wondering where it is leading. Got a pretty good idea but you never do know until you get there now do you.

Keep messing around with ideas for this beard because I don’t like how it looks now but won’t/can’t do anything until we put the stone down.

That time will come faster than I imagine and maybe sooner than I’d like, not that any of this is particularly likable/enjoyable.

So much on my mind, so much to do and so little time.

Ok folks, if you intend to join me on the journey let me remind you to strap yourself in and keep your hands inside the cars at all time because this ride occasionally gets rough.

No worries in general, I know things and they’ll all work out.

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