What I Wanted To Say

I wouldn’t ask just anyone to hold my cock because not everyone would know how to keep from wrecking his award winning plumage.

Those who have known me long or well enough might be surprised at my owning one because 46 years ago one attacked me and tried to put out my eye.

But Wilner men are made of sterner stuff than most so even at the tender age of three I handily managed the bird that tried to brain me.

Which is to say I have intentionally not told you what it is I wanted to say or who it is I wanted to say it to.

Maybe it is because I’d rather just wrap them up in a big hug and let action fill the silence…or maybe not.

The Things That Break Your Heart

There are many things that are more important than a baseball game, even those called World Series games.

Some of those things are why this particular series means so much to me and why the morning after an amazing 18 inning Dodger win I woke up with a smile.

That smile was quickly erased by the news of the horrific Pittsburgh shooting at the Tree of Life shul.

Not just because I know the former rabbi and other members or because the Jewish community is small and interconnected but because of my kids.

Because I had to talk to them again about domestic terrorism and how there are people that hate us for reasons that are inexplicable.

They are teenagers and mature enough to understand nuance and appreciate the world is filled with people and things that can’t defy logic.

But it doesn’t mean I appreciate watching more pieces of whatever innocence remains for teens be shredded.

Real life comes soon enough and once that innocence is lost it never comes back.

But we live in the real world and not the one we wish existed so we do what is required and talk about being awake and aware.

Which is why I tell them things are very different now but I don’t share the extent of my concern. I don’t tell them I have never imagined leaving the US because I think it could become a bad place to be and now I wonder.

No need to mention it because we are still a long way off from that point and some things you don’t say out loud unless you have to.

Because there are those things you cannot take back.

****

You can say the news out of Pittsburgh took the sting out of the Dodgers giving away a game they were surely going to win.

Or you can say they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and that it still hurt but less.

You can ask if I really need the distraction and I will say I do and not tell you what else I need to take the edge off.

Not going to get either tonight or probably any time soon, but I’ll manage because it is what Wilner men do.

Can you tell I have used that line on a teenage boy and or adapted it for use with a teenage girl? I knew that you could.

Life Insurance

There is a bill for the next installment of my life insurance premium on my left.

It is another sign of age and in some ways a snapshot of a moment in time. I picked it up many years ago when I was a new father and homeowner.

Grabbed it a time when I thought if the worst happened it would offer enough to pay off the house and give the wife and baby a ‘free’ place to live.

The baby and house are long gone and now I look at the chunk of change that it would yield and think it is not enough.

If you got the lump sum at 50 you wouldn’t be able to quit working and retire.

It would  lead to an earlier day upon which you could hang up your spikes but you wouldn’t want to have to live off of it alone for the next 25 or 40 years.

When I enrolled I considered a much larger sum but it came with a larger price and I wanted to be somewhat cautious.

I figured if the new house increased in value just a little it would offer access to a bigger and better home that would be a better investment.

Better to be conservative and get a shot at the house we wouldn’t ever have to move out of. Almost 18 years later I have to laugh at that.

Have to laugh because we thought about a place that was $50k more but substantially larger but chose not to buy because the local elementary school was closed and it would mean sending the kids to private if we stayed there.

Who knew the local school would eventually open and that it would go K-8 or that the kids would end up there any how.

Much of life is filled with similar stories which is why I learned long ago to let go of some people and some things.

I have my ideas about what the future might look like and could paint a picture of how I want it to look.

So when I look at experience and think about what has happened it does make me wonder why I have held back and not spoken as well as why I have.

Some of it might have been wasted breath and some of it a missed opportunity.

I suppose that is why I am so selective who I ask to hold my…bird.