Even Pirates Have Feelings

Hanging out with Jimmy, softly singing along, smiling as I realize I am almost 10 years past.

Seven miles away my father continues to prove the docs wrong, still here days after the docs said he wouldn’t make it through the night.

On July 16 he and mom marked their 51st wedding anniversary and on the 21 he hit the 14th anniversary of his triple bypass.

I told him today that he doesn’t have to keep fighting, that he doesn’t have to worry about being dad or husband any more.

“I got this dad, I’ll fulfill my promise.”

He didn’t open his eyes, squeeze my hand or do anything to indicate he heard me. I wasn’t surprised because I have spent most of my time in LA by his side and have seen the impact of the sedatives.

That is a good thing, we want him to be comfortable but the hard part is as his comfort grows his ability to communicate diminishes.

So now we watch and wait.

Come Sail Away

The girl in the photo is turning 14.

She doesn’t want to tell me that she hopes her grandfather doesn’t die on her birthday and I get it. I am not bothered by it.

I appreciate her concern.

It is hard enough to know that your grandpa is going away and harder yet to accept it might happen on your birthday

She is not quite sure what to do with it all.

When I saw her today I hugged her and whispered in her ear that I am very proud of her and that she shouldn’t worry about not knowing what to do either.

“I love you, I am 35 years older and I don’t know what the hell to do now either.”

It is true, I don’t.

I want to jump on my pirate ship and sail away. There are sea battles to win and sword fights to engage in.

But I can’t.

Can’t run nor hide, this has to be faced head on.

It is not a question of whether the levee will break because it already has.

She is going to celebrate her birthday with her friends and some family. I am trying to figure out if there is a way for me to at least make an appearance.

My baby is going to have her mother drive her and her friends all over creation–50 or so miles the opposite direction of my father.

I can’t imagine being real far from him. I am one of the head watchers and promised dad I would keep an eye on my mom and sisters.

But I can’t ignore my daughter for them either. Can’t do it all or be everywhere, but I will try.

About Those Crossroads

The Sky Is Crying and I am trying to figure out who I am willing to speak with and who has to wait.

People have been wonderful about reaching out and offering their help/support and I am grateful. It is a blessing.

But not everyone gets a call or a text back right now as I don’t have the mental bandwidth.

There are moments where I want to grab dad and say, “look at me, I have this. It sucks, but I have it all under control.”

And there are moments where I wonder if I’ll stop being kicked long enough to run for cover.

Intermixed I am surprised to find how very noticeable the absence is of some people. They haven’t said one word to me about my father.

It irks me to admit that I notice this, but it jumps out in some places because I have been so blessed with so many wonderful people reaching out.

So I stare my reflection and ask it to stop being so damn petty. He looks at me and says we love who we love and care for who we care for.

I tell him that is a great Hallmark greeting and ask him to dig deeper and come up with something more meaningful.

“You and I are old. Can’t keep pulling 3 hours of sleep each night without starting to slip a bit.”

He is right, I am not at the top of my game but am scrambling to get it back.

Got so much responsibility and additional things along with dad that make it feel overwhelming.

I know it will all work out because I’ll make it work, but it is not going to be easy.

Don’t know exactly how long this part of the marathon is going to go for. It is really hard and painful.

Makes me wonder if the pain diminishes or changes when we reach the next place.

Will I want to wrap myself in a shmata and sit in silence or do something else. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

The one thing I know for certain is I do have plenty of reason to celebrate. Got 14 years of being  dad to an amazing daughter and that is invaluable.

Might write more about that later, but not today. I keep falling asleep as I type so we’ll end this here.

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