If it wasn’t real before, it is about to become very much so.
Chemo starts next week, the exact time as of yet undetermined and the effectiveness…uncertain.
I picked up the phone and started to dial a number more than once but never finished. The same took place with some texts and emails, all left unfinished.
Thought about sending smoke signals out to provide more details and didn’t because…well I am not sure why.
Maybe it is anger, maybe is disappointment, maybe it is frustration.
Or maybe it is none of that because there is a sixth sense that says communication takes place at deeper levels than we are sometimes cognizant of.
Who Matters To You?
Walt said what I believe and always want to focus upon.
Some may call it foolishness, fantasy or denial of reality but I believe some of us wander through the walls of Camelot and once you have experienced it nothing is ever the same.
You always remember the island and the gardens you wandered through and figure maybe you’ll get back there a time or two again…if not forever.
Because nothing is impossible and the improbable is two letters away from being probable.
None of that may make sense or be the sort of thing people of common sense and intelligence believe but sometimes the greatest moments of our lives come from incredible acts of stupidity.
Granted they do not always lead to the sort of outcomes I describe, but they don’t always end in doom.
Sometimes you ask who matters to you and shake your head because the answer makes you want to scream. Because it is unreasonable, irrational and illogical–but the heart and the head were never meant to work in complete autonomy or perfect unity.
They are supposed to challenge and move each other to find a balance that never last for long but does show up for brief moments.
Those are the times you see ordinary turn to extraordinary and you discover the thing you said could never be was and or is because it just has to be.
Take The Bucket Off Of Your Head
Someone told me long ago that I needed to pull my head out of my ass so that I could see what they were offering.
A while later I told them to take the bucket off of their head so they would stop banging into walls and missing the reality of what was in front of them.
Tonight I sit here wishing I had a bucket on my head because it would provide a much better reason for the darkness, but we don’t always get what we wish for or even what we ask for.
We can’t even depend on always getting what we work for but we can’t not do it just because things don’t go as we wish or because we fear the consequences.
That is the benefit of having been walking under dark skies for many months–you learn to grow comfortable with discomfort and you just do.
Who We Are
If we are lucky it is easy to answer the question of who we are now with the same ease as saying who we once were.
What is more challenging is trying to identify who we are becoming in a way that allows us to grow with others and not grow apart.
But that is the funny part of life, you don’t get to pick and choose your exact path or determine who walks with you.
We like to think we have more control of this than we do but the reality is that life moves people in, our and around us all the time.
Doesn’t matter if they are family or friend, life happens.
Sometimes those who leave us would stayed far longer had they been given a choice but that is not how it works.
And some who choose to leave come back and find us uninterested or resistant to their return.
Sometimes it is different and we wake up and wonder what the hell made us so blind and scratch our heads because we can’t figure out why we didn’t make a change sooner.
Sometimes it is only because of the darkness that our eyes are opened and we walk towards to future us we are to become.
What Lies Beneath
This quick trip will last but a couple blinks longer and then it will be back to reality.
It won’t have been long enough for me to see what lies beneath the surface the way I want to. Won’t give me the insight to say yay or nay about some big issues.
All it will do is provide a brief glimpse behind the veil and a chance to think a bit about what might be.
Maybe that leads to a better understanding and an easier path towards the who we are to become but I doubt it.
Some things just aren’t open until you experience them firsthand. You may know the sun is hot but you don’t know how hot until you get there.
So now we sit in the hollow of the moment before it gets real and wait for the ride to start flying down the hill.
Drive carefully Mr. Toad, there are real people here.